


Spin Me Round

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Spin the Bottle, howince, the chokes, the party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 05:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12101868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: What if the bottle had landed on Vince?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for a couple of prompts over on Everything Bagel:
> 
> 1\. An AU that departs from canon after the Spin the Bottle game in Party. What would have happened if the bottle had landed on Vince? What's the fallout from it in the days afterward, and how do Howard and Vince deal with it?
> 
> 2\. Sometime after coming back from Denmark, after lots of awkwardness and soul-searching, Howard comes out to Vince. How does that go? How does Vince mentor babygay!Howard into the wonderful world of queerness and show him the ropes?
> 
> Thanks also to Ablessingofwickedness for the editing and beta reading. You're an angel

"I can make the bottle stop wherever I want." 

Howard watched with a vague sense of wonder as it spun around and around. The party seemed to be looking up. He hardly knew anyone at his own birthday, but now, the prospect of a kiss cheered him — an excellent present, and not something he would have thought to get for himself. To be honest, he was just pleased Vince had thrown him a party and wanted to include him in the game at all. Their relationship had become ... strained since they took over running the shop. 

He wasn't entirely sure why that was. Vince seemed angry all the time, and not just because he was growing up and realising the world wasn't all talking animals and sweets. In fact, Howard sometimes thought Vince was angry specifically at him, but he had no idea why or what he might have done to cause it. 

At first he assumed Vince just needed space - they'd been living in each other's pockets for years - and he supposed it was time to find separate interests and friends. Howard had hated it initially. Nothing seemed as interesting and exciting without Vince at his side. But he swallowed his dislike and carried on. 

It didn’t work. The less time they spent together, the more they seemed to snap at each other. Whatever ease had magically appeared between them when they first met had vanished, and he didn't know how to get it back. He didn't even know how to talk to Vince about it. They'd never had to bother with things like feelings or apologies before. 

As Vince grew more distant and moody, Howard began to feel something new towards him: genuine annoyance. They'd bickered like a couple of old grannies since the day they met, but Howard had never really been annoyed before. He'd never taken offense because Vince had never actually meant to hurt his feelings. He might be forgetful or say the wrong thing, but nothing Howard couldn't forgive with a crimp and a new adventure. But Vince had grown subtly cruel lately. So the fact he'd thrown Howard a birthday party and invited him to play spin the bottle felt important. 

And, a kiss would be nice, of course. 

He should have been surprised when the bottle landed on Vince. But he wasn't. These sorts of things always happened to them. Their eyes met. Vince's smile had vanished; he looked vaguely horrified. Howard laughed nervously. 

"Well, let's just try that again shall we?" he said. He grabbed to bottle back up before anyone could react. He didn't look up until he'd set it spinning again. Everyone was staring at him and he dropped his gaze, watching as the bottle began to slow and finally came to its inevitable resting place. Pointing directly at Vince. They locked eyes over the bottle. Vince froze in place, his eyes wide and locked onto Howard’s.

"I-" Howard began, determined to take control before things got out of hand. 

"You have to kiss," someone to his right said. 

"Alright, Chris de Burgh," he snapped. "Who invited you and your big eyebrows anyway?" 

"You have to kiss," another girl said. She was frowning at them like they were ruining the party. It was an expression Howard was used to having turned on him, but he felt bad about bringing Vince into it. 

He stuttered, panicked and unsure what to say. He looked over to find Vince staring at him, his expression blank. Howard wanted to shout that it wasn't his fault, but he didn't think that would go down very well. 

"You have to kiss or you're ruining the game," someone else said, only to be met with a chorus of angry agreement. Feeling the mood of the room turning, Howard looked back at Vince, who looked trapped and scared. He considered standing and leaving the room, but there wasn't anywhere to go. 

"Why are you so scared?" someone else said. 

He wished he knew who anyone was, it might make it easier to tell them to stuff it. 

He was running out of delaying tactics and still had no idea how to get out of the predicament. Vince still hadn't spoken, which meant - some part of Howard's brain supplied - that he hadn't actually said he didn't want to. 

"I'm not scared!" he blustered, looking around for an escape before finding none. He sighed, the familiar feeling of hopeless agreement creeping over him. "Oh, fine," he huffed, trying to make it sound authoritative and dismissive, though it came out a bit breathless instead. 

He stood, not wanting to crawl across the floor, and marched over to the other side of the circle where Vince stood to meet him. Vince froze once he was on his feet, just blinking his big eyes up at Howard, his face curiously expressionless. Howard faltered. He didn't really know what to do now they were standing so close. 

He knew he didn't want to kiss Vince. He was quite certain of that. But not, say, in the way he was sure he didn't want to kiss Bollo or even Naboo. The idea of kissing Vince was terrifying. He couldn't, didn't want to, articulate why. Howard Moon was a man of action, and that meant you didn't sit around wondering why something scared you. It meant running in the other direction, and if necessary, begging for your life. 

He shuffled a bit closer and put a hand on Vince's waist before dropping it again and feeling stupid. He might not know what to do, but he'd shave his moustache off before admitting it. He looked down at Vince and tried to silently ask for help. Vince blinked again, as though coming out of trance. 

"It's okay, Howard," he said, his voice low and private. 

Howard couldn't remember the last time he'd heard that tone from Vince. It was comforting and he relaxed slightly. "Of course," he said, wondering if he ought to lean down. 

Vince saved him, something which, while familiar, still left him feeling a bit embarrassed. His hands came up to rest on Howard's shoulders as he stretched up onto his toes. Howard angled his head down to meet him. They paused, just before their lips met. Vince was looking at him intently, as though checking it was okay. He had a moment to wonder if his eyes had always been that blue before Vince closed his eyes and bridged the distance between them. 

Howard froze when their lips touched. His first kiss. He'd imagined the moment a thousand times. Never with him and Vince and a group of strangers staring at them, but he was a man of the world. He could adapt. As least he could if he knew how to proceed. He was suddenly acutely aware of all of his limbs. What was he meant to do with his hands? 

Vince's hands ran up his neck to cup the back of his head, his fingers tangling in Howard's hair. When he opened his mouth, Howard copied the motion, trying to mirror what he was doing. He'd seen lots of people kiss, he knew the theory, but he hadn't quite been prepared for it to be a full body experience. There were too many sensations for him to process any of them. Vince's hands were everywhere, they ran down his arms and Howard grabbed hold of them firmly. Partly to ground himself and partly to try and take one of the sensations out of the mix so he could get ahold of the situation. 

"What are you lot doing?!" Naboo's voice was hard and authoritative. 

Howard was so startled that he leapt back, kicking the bottle they'd been using and sending it spinning across the room. It smashed against the wall and shattered. Much like the moment between him and Vince. 

He blinked rapidly, looking around. The shop seemed dull and mundane; something huge seemed to have happened to him and he was disappointed his surroundings hadn't changed accordingly. Everything was the same but he felt different, like a switch had flipped. Vince was still holding one of his hands tightly in his own. 

Howard hadn't spent much time considering sex other than in the abstract. It was in his mental box labelled "confusing". Being a man of action also meant that it was pointless trying to figure out how things related to him directly. He could spend hours pondering the difference between Shambling Mick's early recordings and his later ones, after he'd lost both his hands in a freak accident. But he didn't think about how they made him feel. In the same way that he didn't think about how Vince looking up at him, his eyes wide and lips shiny, made him feel. There didn't seem to be any point. How Howard felt about anything didn't seem to make a difference to the outcome. It never had. You could control actions and, say, stationery. But you couldn't control emotions and so he just ignored them. 

But now the idea not only seemed possible but actually desirable. He wanted to declare loudly how different it felt. How a new world seemed open to him and he was ready to explore it. Maybe he could explore it with Vince. The idea didn't even scare him. On the contrary, it seemed beautiful and easy. He turned to say so to Vince but he was already looking at Naboo. 

"What's going on here?" Naboo looked angry. Then he leant to pick up part of the broken bottle. "Nobody move," he said, suddenly serious. 

Of course then all hell broke loose and Howard made a fool of himself. Somewhere along the way Vince let his hand drop and everyone was laughing at him. Naboo was smirking and Howard had to get away.

He didn’t want to leave the house, but there were people everywhere and he found himself on the roof. It had been a terrible night. He wished that he was surprised that his first kiss had ended in abject humiliation, but he wasn’t. He’d known, deep down, that it was what would happen. It was part of why he’d held back for so long. But there had always remained that stubborn, undying spark of hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, the universe would throw him a bone. It was the hope that killed you. That’s what they said and it did feel like something in him might have died.

He tried to think about the kiss in isolation to what had happened afterwards, but he couldn’t. The thoughts just made him sad. He could dimly hear a commotion below, but he ignored it. Maybe the party was being broken up. But, then, Howard Moon didn’t get that sort of luck. He closed his eyes and wished as hard as he could that he could forget the whole night.

Vince appeared suddenly out of the skylight. “Alright, Howard?” he asked, scrambling through the window and over the roof toward him.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked, trying to make it clear that he wasn’t looking for company. Vince ignored him and settled down.

“Head shaman’s gone mental,” he said. “Thinks I got off with his wife. He’s going to chop my head off.”

He wondered if that was some sort of code or an elaborate lie. It didn’t sound like something Vince would do. At least, it wouldn’t have been. Maybe that had changed now. Either way, he didn’t dignify it with a response.

“What are you doing up here?” Vince said when it became clear he wasn’t going to continue the conversation.

Howard didn’t want to look at him. The shame of earlier was pooling hot in his stomach. “I’m in hiding, aren’t I?”

“What?” Vince leaned toward him, confusion creasing his brow.

“I’m hiding from the shame and embarrassment that is my birthday party.” He looked away and wondered if he could slip off the roof and away from the conversation. It was a long way down, though, and he didn’t want to ruin his favourite cords.

“Oh, come on,” Vince said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “It’s okay. No one really cared that you’re a virgin.”

“Chris de Burgh wrote a song about it and everyone stood pointing at me and laughing,” he pointed out.

Vince rolled his eyes. “That’s just Chris’ way of showing affection, he don’t mean nothing by it.” He paused for a moment. “Besides, I think it’s nice,” he said, his voice soft. “That you’ve waited. Most people don’t make it special, they’re in such a rush, that they ..." He shrugged, apparently out of platitudes.

“You didn’t wait,” Howard pointed out.

Vince looked suddenly uncomfortable. He fidgeted with his hair and looked away. “I wanted to grow up,” he said in the end. “You were born 42, you wouldn’t understand.”

Howard wondered what that meant, but he didn’t dare ask. Instead he tried to find some bravado to hide behind. “That’s right, sir,” he said, his voice sounded a bit weak to his own ears, but he carried on anyway. “I don’t gad about town. I don’t play the field. When I make the leap across the physical boundary, it’ll be forever, sir.”

Vince looked like he was about to say something, but Howard never heard what it was because at that moment, the head shaman appeared through the skylight, sword first. “Ah, there you are, you prancing kingfisher!” he cried. “Prepare to die!”

Howard thought dimly that prancing kingfisher was actually a good description of Vince. But Vince was already talking quickly. “Yeah, look, mate I’m not interested in your wife, yeah? We were just standing in a cupboard together.”

The shaman’s small, but oddly piercing, eyes narrowed. “Oh, just standing in a cupboard with an extreme sports model? I don’t think so.”

“Honestly,” Vince sounded a bit desperate, “I’m not interested in your wife. I’m in love with someone already.”

“The lie of a backtracking worm,” the shaman spat in response.

“I’m in love with Howard.”

The words echoed in his ears for a moment as Vince gestured to him. It didn’t occur to him to do anything other than back him up. It’s what friends did. If they weren’t there to stop you being beheaded by a crazed shaman by pretending to be your boyfriend, then what were they for? “Oh, yeah, we’re in love,” he said, hoping it didn’t seem as ridiculous as it felt. The idea that they could be anything other than reluctant friends seemed preposterous, now more than ever. As if someone like Vince would ever… he stopped that thought firmly in its tracks. 

Apparently he was right, because the shaman just brandished his sword menacingly and snarled, “Prove it.”

Vince didn’t seem to waste a moment; he must have been truly scared by the situation, because he threw his hands around Howard’s neck and he was suddenly kissing him for the second time that night. It wasn’t like the first time. Vince wasn’t nearly so gentle, his hand was griping Howard’s chin tightly and angling their faces toward one another. 

Howard was the one to open his mouth this time, flicking his tongue out to taste Vince’s lips. The world seemed to dim into insignificance, although he could still hear the shaman in the background muttering something and he still wasn’t sure what he ought to do with his hands. But they seemed keen on touching Vince so he let them run up the other man's back for a moment. Vince placed a few gentle pecks on his mouth before pulling back.

“Huh?” he gestured behind himself.

Howard was left blinking at him. The shaman was retreating, muttering about rethinking some basic principles, but Howard barely heard him. His heart was racing in his chest.

Then Vince laughed, he clapped his hands together and grinned at him. “Ah, thanks Howard,” he said, his face the picture of merriment.

Howard didn’t feel merry in the slightest. It didn’t feel possible, but he felt almost as changed as by the first kiss. Though, where before he’d wanted to shout his devotion to Vince to anyone who might listen, now he simply felt cold. Something like dread settled in his stomach. He needed to get away, but he was trapped.

“Oi,” Vince said, scowling at him suddenly. “Clam down, it were only a little kiss.”

He reached out a hand toward him and Howard flinched back, a “don’t touch me,” on his lips. He couldn’t bear the look of amusement on Vince’s face. Because, that wasn’t what he’d felt when they kissed. He’d felt… right. He was so panicked by the thought that his flinch was more violent than normal and he actually lost his grip on the roof. Vince tried to steady him, but they both ended up falling off the top of the building together. 

Thankfully for both of them, Vince had come through with his present for once. They landed safely enough after a few bounces which took them so high it felt like his stomach was going to flip right out of his body.

He was winded when they landed. Vince was chattering away happily, but Howard barely heard him. Even the reappearance of pencil case girl did nothing but make him feel queasy. He looked at her and realised that he felt… nothing. He’d wanted her to like him before at least, but now, now he just wanted her to leave. He managed to make some sort of excuse, babbling about needing an early start to get to jazzercize before pushing by her and into the house. He wondered if Vince might try and follow, but he didn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

 

Howard was gone. Off to pursue a life of acting with a guy that Vince could hardly understand. He turned the thought over in his head trying to comprehend it. But it was too big. Too strange. Mermen with manginas and crack foxes were one thing, but a world without Howard was just too weird. They'd been together their whole lives. Or the bits that mattered anyway. He simply didn't know what he was on his own. 

 

At first he'd tried to be pleased. Now Howard wasn't around, he could finally fulfill his dreams of being in a band and hanging out with only really cool people. 

 

He'd lasted three days. 

 

In reality, without Howard to tell about his cool friends and brilliant gigs, it all seemed a bit ... pointless. He missed having him there when he came home. He missed his cooking. He missed having someone to crimp with. He even missed the endless lectures. 

 

Plus the flat didn't smell right without him. He wasn't sure what it was. Maybe the fabric softener he used. But whatever it was, it seemed to dull the smell of ape and weed. Now it felt all wrong when he was home but even worse when he was out, knowing that he’d be alone when he got back.

 

He lasted another week and a half until he stopped going out. Hanging about the flat was dead depressing but it made him feel closer to Howard. He moped about on the sofa watching telly and eating sweets. Bollo sometimes convinced him to shower, but he didn't see the point in doing much else. At least not until Howard came back. Because he would. Of course he would. Anything else was unthinkable. 

 

Naboo insisted they hired a replacement at the shop, despite Vince protesting loudly that Howard would be back before they knew it. But, as the days dragged into weeks, it became clear that might not be true. He stopped arguing but glared at Adam when he started work. He wasn’t sure if Naboo had hired someone with almost as bad fashion sense as Howard to try to make Vince feel better or worse. It didn’t matter. He hated the sight of him and insisted he worked in the back when he was at the shop. Adam glumly accepted his demands, which only made it all the more clear that he was no replacement Howard.

 

He considered calling Howard and demanding he came home, but it had been too long. He didn't know what he'd even say. He didn't want to come across even more desperate than he already had and he didn't know how to express that he needed Howard without scaring him off entirely. 

 

He wondered, as he lay awake at night, what he’d done to finally push him into leaving. He pulled Howard’s sheets up to his chin and screwed his eyes shut; he’d moved into Howard’s room as soon as he left, claiming it was bigger than his. It wasn’t, he’d just thought it might make him miss him a bit less. It didn’t, it might actually have made it worse, but he didn’t leave. 

 

He sometimes wondered if it was the kisses that did it. Howard’s “don’t touch me rule” had always been fiercely protected, but he’d thought that maybe he hadn’t minded at the time. But then, he’d been so giddy maybe he’d totally misread the signs.

 

"Alright Vince?" Adam was looming at the top of the stairs. He was wearing a roll neck and a Hawaiian shirt. It made Vince feel a bit sick to look at him. 

 

He'd dragged himself out of bed after another night of tossing and turning and wondering if he was just imaging the scent of Howard still on the pillows. 

 

"Are you coming to work today, or ..." Adam trailed off, probably knowing the answer. He was a nice guy. He was kind and gentle with Vince. To be honest, he treated him more like a wounded animal than a man. Vince should have probably been worried about what vibe he was giving off to illicit such a reaction, but he didn't have the energy. Besides, he kind of liked it. It reminded him of how Howard used to be with him when he was sick. 

 

He tried to muster up a smile. "Maybe later," he said. 

 

"Okay," he said slowly. He turned to head back down the stairs and stopped. "You know, I err ..." His hand was gripping the handrail tightly. "I know how you feel. Someone broke my heart once too. It’s rough and I'm, err," he gave Vince a sad little smile. "I'm sorry." 

 

The words probably weren't designed to make Vince burst into tears. But that's exactly what they made him do. He hadn't realised that's what he was feeling. Which was stupid. He was stupid and Howard was gone and he was broken hearted. Adam looked horrified. He hovered on the stairs before very awkwardly coming over and patting him on the shoulder. It just made Vince want to cry harder.

 

It didn't get much better after that. But once he knew what he was feeling, he found he could cope a bit better with it. 

 

He'd tried to give up on the idea of anything romantic happening between them for years. Howard was not interested in men. He mostly didn't seem interested in women, come to that, or at least not ones that were remotely interested in him. But most of all, he wasn't interested in Vince. He'd made that clear a thousand times, in a thousand ways. It wasn't his fault Vince had been too dense, too in love, to hear him. He couldn’t seem to quite extinguish the hope. Sometimes Howard would smile at him or let him hold his hand or sleep in the same room, and Vince would almost believe that something might happen. It never did. Not even close. 

 

So instead of heeding the signs, he’d pushed and pushed, trying to make something happen, or at least stop something happening with anyone else. He knew it had been a bit desperate to engineer a spin the bottle game, but he was out of ideas and it was making him miserable, and increasingly irritable. He knew he had become harsher in his bids to get Howard’s attention. He would try to rein it in, but when Howard did something like choosing to spend yet another night with Lester Corncrake instead of him, he couldn’t seem to control his temper.

 

He'd got angry. He hadn't meant to. But he couldn't understand why Howard hadn't done something, it had been so long and nothing seemed to change. It was impossible for Vince to move on while still living with Howard. No one else was even remotely interesting when he could go home and make up a crimp with Howard, or go on an adventure. Or even just get another tour of stationery village. 

 

He'd thought it would be better if he were on his own. So, he'd pushed too hard and now Howard was gone. 

 

Only of course it wasn't better. It was much, much worse. They'd been together too long, and now Vince realised that he couldn’t be happy without him. 

 

The night crawled toward morning, and Vince’s desperate thoughts would not allow him rest. He'd give anything to have Howard back. This time, he had learned his lesson. This time, he'd be content with enjoying what they had. He'd stop constantly spoiling every moment by dreaming of something more, if only Howard would come back.

 

He wondered why he’d never been able to let go before, what the compulsion was to ruin a nice moment by saying something spiteful to get a reaction. There was probably a word for it in German. Howard would know what it was. 

 

As the sky lightened outside the window, he replayed their kisses over and over. He suspected that he was being a bit pathetic but he couldn't help it. He'd waited years for Howard to kiss him. And it had been brilliant. He could have done without the audience (both times) but otherwise it was almost exactly how he'd imagined it. Howard had been tense and bit awkward, but also so gentle and sweet. Most of the other guys he had kissed - all taller than him and many sporting moustaches - had always been a bit rough. They had tried to manhandle Vince and ruined the moment. But Howard had seemed unsure if he was even allowed to rest his hands on him. Vince suspected that no one would ever kiss him like that again, and his chest ached as if Bollo was sitting on it.

 

He managed to get to the shop before noon and felt a bit proud. He was trying to be a bit less of an obvious wreck, although people were still talking a bit quietly around him, like they were in a hospital or something. Bollo and Naboo had taken to hanging around the shop, too. Apparently Vince’s moping was starting to scare away the customers. When he arrived, Adam ducked his head and scuttled away. Vince was pleased not to have to deal with him.

 

Bollo flicked the telly on; apparently The Black Tubes were debuting their new lead singer. Vince scowled at the telly. “Unbelievable,” he said, trying to pretend he still cared, “his legs aren’t even that thin.”

 

He looked up when the bell above the door jangled and froze. His heart seemed to stop in his chest and then set off at a million miles an hour. He blinked a few times before confirming that Howard was really there. “Alright guys?” Howard said, a little smile on his face.

 

Of course, Vince broke every promise he’d made to himself since Howard had gone immedietly. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, his heart hammering so loudly he wondered if everyone could hear it. “I thought you’d gone off to see Jurgen.” He could no more help the sarcastic and bitter way he said his name then he could slow his heart down. He’d spent a lot of nights thinking about that blonde tit and wishing his face would get chewed off by an angry bear.

 

“What can I say?” Howard said, his voice rueful, “Jurgen offered me a lot. He offered me fame, money, international acclaim, but I thought, do I need this? And I realised, I have everything I need right here.” He looked at them doubtfully for a moment and Vince knew he was lying. “What would you do without me, eh?” he said, throwing an arm around Bollo, “I’m irreplaceable.”

 

Howard finally looked at Vince, his face open and full of hope. Vince’s heart leapt to his throat. He was about to jump to his feet and throw his arms around Howard but Bollo chose that moment to make good on Naboo’s promise to Vince about what would happen if Howard actually came back. “Adam?” he yelled, startling them both out of the moment.

 

When the other man appeared from the back, Naboo finished the thought. “He came back, you’re fired.”

 

Adam looked so crestfallen that Vince felt a bit sorry for him. But he was too caught up in the way Howard’s face had fallen when he saw the other man. He felt a stab of vindictive pleasure at being able to hurt Howard just a little in return for everything Vince had been through since he left, but then felt immediately bad about it. He’d promised he wouldn’t be like this again. But having Howard so close to him, pretending that nothing had happened, was too much. He felt cornered. Perhaps he really was a wounded animal lashing out when scared.

 

When Jurgen appeared on the TV, Vince took the distraction gratefully. His stomach dropped when he realised why Howard had really come back. It was nothing to do with missing them at all. It was just that his acting job hadn’t turned out the way he’d hoped. He wanted to smash the TV. Instead he settled for making as many spiteful jokes as he could at Howard’s dreams being crushed. It was fair enough: that’s what had just happened to him after all. He kept it up until Howard snatched the remote, turned off the TV and stalked out the room. Vince kept up his laughter until the door slammed and the sound of Howard’s boots on the stairs faded.

 

Bollo and Naboo were staring at him intently. “What?” he snapped at them.

 

Naboo raised his hands and eyebrows at him. “That went well,” he said, his voice flat.

 

Vince sulked for the rest of the afternoon.

 

***

 

Things went back to normal. Mostly. In one slightly terrifying moment, Howard demanded to know why Vince had been sleeping in his room. But, he seemed to take Vince at his word that he’d just turned his old bedroom into a walk-in wardrobe. They went back to their old routine; Howard opened the shop while Vince laid in and avoided doing any work. 

 

Vince forced himself back out to the clubs. He noticed his clothes were a little tight when he tried to squeeze back into them. Apparently sitting on the sofa and only eating sweets wasn’t good for the waistline. But he felt empty; he tried to enjoy the clubs and having Howard back, but he couldn’t quite seem to find his rhythm.

 

It didn’t help that Howard seemed… off. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but the big Northern tit seemed to be acting even more skittish than normal. He’d assumed it was just the advert, but something told him there was more to it than that. He’d dive for the phone every time it rang for one thing. It was weird because Vince never bothered to answer the phone himself. It was usually for him, but he preferred to screen his calls through Howard. At first it had been an ill-fated attempt to make him jealous, but eventually it just turned into a practicality. A lot of people called for him and mostly he didn’t want to speak to them. But it was clear that Howard suddenly didn’t want anyone else picking up the phone. Howard always made it clear what he was afraid of. He made it so easy for people to pick on his weak spots that Vince sometimes wondered if he was doing it on purpose, like maybe he thought he deserved it. It made him feel sick to think about it, so he tried not to.

 

But it didn’t stop him from diving at the phone the next time it rang. He was always faster than Howard - years of shopping at sales having honed his reflexes to almost superhuman levels. “Hello,” he said, trying to control his breathing.

 

“’allo?”

 

Vince didn’t recognise the voice and he frowned. “Who’s this?” His voice was a bit more abrupt than he’d intended.

 

“Is Howard there?” It was a foreign accent and it took him a moment to work out what the words were.

 

“Who is this?”

 

"This is Jurgen Harrbermaster," the voice said. "I wish to speak to Howard." 

 

Vince looked across the room to where Howard was staring at him with horror. "It's for you," Vince said eventually, holding out the phone. He was confused and annoyed. Why was that prat calling for Howard after he'd embarrassed him like that on national television? 

 

He stood at the other end of the shop scowling as he listened in on Howard's half of the call. 

 

"Hello?" Howard looked a bit annoyed. "Yes, I know. But I told you that I was coming home and—" Howard rolled his eyes and tapped his foot while Jurgen ranted on the other end of the phone. "Listen," Howard snapped. "I told you how I feel, and I would thank you to respect that. Good day, sir." He hung up. 

 

"What was that?" Vince snapped as soon as the phone was down. 

 

"What do you mean?" Howard looked genuinely confused. 

 

Perhaps it was at Vince's confrontational tone, which would make sense because even he wasn't sure why he was so angry. "Why's he still calling you?" he said, his voice hard. 

 

“I told you he wanted me to keep working for him,” Howard snapped, turning his back to continue dusting the counter.

 

“I know, but I thought…” Vince bit his lip, just managing to rein in the comment at the last second.

 

Not that it made a difference. Howard spun around to face him angrily. “You thought I was lying?” he demanded, glaring at him. “You thought I couldn’t possibly be good at something? I know it was just a stupid advert, Vince, be he’s a really important director and he wanted …” Howard clenched his jaw tightly.

 

"Okay!" Vince snapped, holding his hands up. "Then why are you back, if he wanted to make films with you?"

 

Howard's whole face changed. He went from annoyed to panicked and back to annoyed. "I told you, I'm a simple man, I don't need any of that nonsense." 

 

"You've wanted to be a famous actor since you were ten," Vince said slowly. It was true, of all of Howard's grandiose dreams, acting was the one he returned to over and over. Vince suspected it was the idea of people being able to look at him but while hiding behind a character. 

 

Howard flushed and was fidgeting with the items on the counter. Vince watched him rearrange the merchandise a couple of times before he spoke. 

 

"I'm going out." Whatever Howard's problem was, Vince wasn't going to find out by pushing him. He'd have to bide his time and slowly prise the information out of him. 

 

*** 

 

Over the next few days, Howard kept starting strange conversations and then trailing off, red in the face and stuttering. And his furtive behaviour whenever the phone rang continued. Vince burned to just demand Howard tell him what was going on, but he didn't. Instead, he tried to be friendly and open. He bit down on his urge to make jokes about the advert every time Howard fled in the middle of a conversation to go rearrange the stock cupboard or dust stationery village for the fifth time that day. 

 

Eventually he gave up being subtle. The next time Howard started a conversation that didn't seem to be going anywhere, he couldn’t take it anymore. 

 

"Howard," he said slowly one morning as Howard continued to stutter. "Are you trying to tell me something?" 

 

Howard dropped the cup he was holding. He then spent no less than twenty minutes fussing with the broken crockery, mopping up the water, and completely ignoring Vince's attempts to engage him in conversation. 

 

Not even crimps could prise the information out of him. 

 

But it didn't matter in the end; Vince figured it out a week later. He made a huge effort and was nearly on time for work - it was barely 11:30. He was also wearing his new lightweight platforms. Not because he was sneaking up on Howard or anything; it just made more of an impact when he suddenly appeared. 

 

When he was nearly to the shop, he heard Howard speaking. He paused - not in a bid to overhear, just because he didn't want to throw Howard off his game if he was actually about to sell something. 

 

"No, I haven't told him yet," he was saying. His voice sounded agitated and Vince could perfectly picture his expression: brow pinched and eyes narrowed. "I just haven't found the right time ... I know. I know, I want to, but I just don't think he'd ... Yeah, maybe." 

 

Vince frowned and leant closer to the door. His heart was beating faster in his chest. He knew without a doubt, that Howard was talking about him. So he was hiding something. Maybe that was why he'd really come back, even when he did have acting offers. He wondered who he was speaking to. Jurgen maybe? Or someone he'd met while he was away? Howard had mentioned a few names, but Vince had assumed they'd been made up. Could Howard really have other friends along with his acting career? The world had gone wrong. 

 

"I just don't know..." Howard let out a breath, an almost laugh. Someone else making Howard laugh? Something ugly unfurled in Vince's chest. "Maybe. But what if...Okay. Yeah. A new life." 

 

Vince had to sit down. So that was it. Howard was leaving again. Probably forever this time. It was only a matter for time, of course. What did Vince have to offer compared to all his dreams of fame? He thought he might cry for a moment but pushed it down furiously. He didn't want to let Howard know he'd overheard. 

 

Howard was wrapping up the call. "Okay, thanks, I'll try. You too. Bye." 

 

Vince took a few deep breaths and stood up slowly. He took a few steps back up the stairs before making a big show of stomping back down. 

 

By the time he arrived Howard was over the other side of the shop to the phone, leaning casually against the wall. 

 

"Morning," Vince said, his voice surprisingly steady. Howard just nodded. He didn't even ask why Vince was late. 

 

Vince stared at him for a moment, waiting to see if he might strike up conversation. When Howard remain stubbornly quiet he took matters into his own hands. "Good morning?" his voice came out a bit high pitched and strained. 

 

Howard shrugged. "Yes, I've made some excellent improvements to the stock rotation system." When Vince just stared at him he coughed. "Would you like me to talk you through it?" 

 

Vince didn't bother to dignify that with a response. His head was still racing with what he'd just heard. He couldn't believe Howard was standing there acting like nothing was wrong when he was secretly planning on leaving again. Why was he bothering with stock rotation anyway? He probably thought it would be his legacy or some such nonsense. He hadn't even tried to spend any time with Vince before he left. No, obviously the shop was far more important than him. 

 

He wanted Howard to just be honest with him. Maybe then he could figure out a way to force him not to leave. Or maybe Howard might ask him to come with him. 

 

"You got any plans for New Years?" he asked suddenly, hoping to catch him off guard. It was months away, but they usually spent at least part of the night together. Had he already planned to be gone by then? Would he even admit it if he had? 

 

As expected Howard looked taken aback by the question. He froze where he stood, still leant awkwardly against the wall. "I... well, of course. I have a few offers. I'm a busy man, as you know..." 

 

Vince scowled, now unsure if he really meant it or if it was the usual Howard nonsense. He hated feeling so adrift when they were together. It made him mean. "Like what?" he snapped. "Hanging out with Lester Corncrake holding hands in the dark?" 

 

"That was one time!" Howard glared back at him. "You know he was showing me the impact of sight loss on hearing the intricacies of jazz solos." 

 

Vince bit back his reply; they were at risk of getting sidetracked. "Well? What are you doing then?" 

 

Howard blinked at him before narrowing his eyes. "Why do you ask? If you're planning another party you can forget it." 

 

"No," Vince said quickly. Too quickly, because that was going to be his suggestion. But he knew they'd end up arguing about the party, and not Howard’s plans. "I just thought we could spend it together." 

 

That seemed to stump Howard for a moment. "Really?" 

 

He sounded so surprised that Vince was actually a bit annoyed. Why was he so surprised? It wasn't like they didn't spend all their time together. Although, when he thought about it, he wasn't sure when they had last hung out, just the two of them. Maybe when they were still rehersing for the band. The thought made him sad, then a bit annoyed, and it made his response sound harsh. "You don't have to, if you've got better things to do." 

 

"No," Howard said quickly. "No." He cleared his throat. "That would be ... nice? We could maybe get a takeaway? Or even go to the pub if you want?" 

 

Vince was so surprised that he didn't know what to say. Howard sounded pleased. His suggestion was so sweet and awkward that it made Vince's chest tight. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen that pleased little smile on Howard's face, let alone the last time he'd been the one to put it there. It left him confused. Did that mean Howard wasn't really planning on leaving? Or was it an elaborate hoax, a promise he never planned to keep? It didn't seem very Howard, and he couldn't help the spark of hope at the idea that Howard genuinely wanted to spend time with him. He smiled despite himself. "Yeah," he said. "Okay, I don't mind staying in. New Years is always rubbish anyway, too expensive and someone always spills drink on my outfit. We could watch some telly and have some champagne." 

 

"Okay," Howard smiled again. They stared at each other for a moment. Vince's stomach dropped when Howard's smile faltered, then disappeared. "But, listen. There's something I've been trying to tell you, and you should know it before we make too many plans." 

 

Vince's heart was racing. Why did Howard always do this to him? He'd be so happy and content one second and left crushed and alone the next. Why did he never learn? Why did he keep putting himself through it? 

 

"Actually," Vince said quickly. "Never mind, I just remembered that I promised Leroy that I'd spend New Year's at his. He's got some new friends that I'm trying to pull - twins! Genius." 

 

Howard look hurt and confused but Vince ignored it. "Okay," he said slowly. "But I should still tell you..." 

 

"In fact," he said, his voice rising. He suddenly couldn't bear to hear the words out loud. He was going to cry and he didn't want Howard to see it. "I'm late to see him now. So, I... I better go." 

 

"Vince! I need to talk you. Can't you go after?" 

 

"Not really," he said, backing away. "I really better go." 

 

"Stop being such a tit," he said, looking frustrated. "I've been trying to say this since I got back—" 

 

"I don't want to hear it, Howard!" Desperate to get away, Vince turned and stormed from the room, slamming the door before Howard could say anything else. 

 

***

 

Howard stared at the door, feeling bewildered and sad. He'd been so close. He could feel the words, fully formed behind his teeth. He'd nearly said them so many times since he'd returned, but it was as if a physical barrier in his mouth prevented them from appearing. 

 

Jake was calling him every week to see if he'd managed to say it yet. He felt a little more embarrassed, a little more pathetic, every time he had to admit that he hadn't. But this time, feeling buoyed by Vince's suggestion they spend New Year's Eve together, he'd thought he was going to do it. Even after Vince had apparently changed his mind. He sighed heavily and rubbed his face. He'd barely slept since he got back. 

 

He walked to the phone and dialled before he could overthink it; two calls in a morning was probably excessive but there was no one else to talk to. "Hello?" 

 

"I nearly did it this time," he said in a rush.

 

"Howard?" The voice on the other end sounded surprised. "You okay?" 

 

"I nearly did it." Howard repeated, before his nerve could fail him. "Then he got angry and stormed off." 

 

There was a pause. "Did he say why?" 

 

"No," Howard admitted, relieved Jake allowed them to slip right to the conversation without the normally socially required pleasantries. "What if..." 

 

"It's going to be fine, Howard," Jake said, for what must have been the thousandth time. "From what you've told me, Vince isn't exactly a heteronormative kind of guy." 

 

Howard sighed. "Maybe, but it's different with us. He sees me as a man of the world. A father figure if you will. This could throw off the balance between us." 

 

Jake made a strange noise, a bit like an aborted laugh. "I'm not sure you're right about that." He paused. "Should I come and see you?" 

 

He had a strange urge to say yes. But Howard was a man of action. He didn't need support to have a conversation with someone he'd known for decades. Besides, he'd only known Jake a couple of months. He didn't know how it would go to have him in this life. They'd been alright on set, when they didn't know anyone else, but here... it felt wrong. "No," he said, his voice mostly firm. "I'm fine." 

 

"Howard," Jake said. "It's really going to be okay. It's scary now but once it's out you'll feel much better. Do you want to practice saying it again?" 

 

They'd done that a few times in Denmark. The only times he'd actually said it out loud at all. He shook his head before realising Jake couldn't see him. "No, I... not here." 

 

"You know," Jake said, his voice measured, "there really isn't any rush. You don't have to tell him at all. You don't owe it to anyone." 

 

The words were comforting, even if he didn't really believe them. "I know. But I want to. I think I want to." 

 

"Are you sure you don't want me to come and stay? I'm heading back to America soon, but I could fly via London?" The offer sounded genuine and Howard found himself wanting to agree. But the words wouldn't form. He should be able to do this alone. He was being pathetic enough, without needing emotional support from a virtual stranger. 

 

"No, there's no need. I'm okay," he said again. "Sorry I called. Have a safe trip back to America." He hung up quickly before his nerve failed him and he gave in and begged for help. 

 

He looked back at the door and sighed. He'd felt strong when he'd come back to the shop. Sure, Denmark had very much not worked out how he'd imagined. But Jurgen had been kind and wanted to work with him again. They'd even started rehearsals for his next project. That's where he'd met Jake.

 

Maybe it was the feeling that something was actually going right. Even with the setback of the reality of the first project, he'd felt okay. Better than that, he'd felt... good. 

 

It was utterly terrifying and he'd wished with all his might that Vince were with him. But he hadn't known how to be the one to call. He was supposed to be off, becoming an important actor. He'd look foolish if he called for moral support. He could already imagine the jokes and he couldn't do it. 

 

Perhaps that's why he hadn't stopped Jake from hanging around him. It was also probably why he'd been talking about Vince more than he normally would. He hadn't realised he was doing it, until Jake had smiled, in that open, honest way Americans seemed to have before asking something deeply personal. 

 

"Is Vince your boyfriend?" he'd asked, with genuine interest. "Mine dumped me before I left. Apparently long distance wasn't his thing." 

 

Howard had blinked. It wasn't the first time they'd been mistaken for a couple. Not by a long way. But it was he first time someone had said boyfriend and given Howard a pleased smile. Like maybe that would be a good thing. "No, he's ... we're not together," he'd stuttered. Jake looked embarrassed and hurried to continue. "But we get that a lot." 

 

From there Jake had just sort of assumed Howard was gay. He'd made jokes, almost like they were part of a club. Howard didn't know how to correct him and it went on so long he gave up. 

 

Then he started to wonder. About his kisses with Vince. About how he'd never really tried to get a girlfriend. About why he'd always avoided the topic of sex altogether. Until one day he thought, maybe Jake wasn't the one who was wrong.

 

He'd never made the decision to be straight. It had never honestly occurred to him to check. His father had always been very clear with him that he was to get a wife. But he'd also never done what his father had demanded. Remaining friends with Vince included. 

 

Vince. That was the other thing. He'd had ... thoughts, over the years. Confused and fleeting, like the odd dream that had left him embarrassed and a bit aroused. He'd pushed them away. Everyone loved Vince. That was just his way. He hadn't dared to explore his feelings more than that. 

 

But, being away from him made his thoughts stark. It seemed embarrassingly obvious. 

 

He was gay. 

 

 

But that wasn't all. He was gay and in love with Vince. 

 

He'd spent some time throwing up at the realisation. Then he'd spent a lot of sleepless nights trying to convince himself he was wrong. But he knew he wasn't. He knew in the same way he'd known that Charley Mingus was the greatest musician of all time when he first heard him. It was a truth. And Howard Moon didn't hide from the truth. At least, not after forty or so years. 

 

But even if he might be able to admit it to himself, saying the words out loud were an entirely different matter. He didn't even know how to go out it. It seemed far too big of an admission for any one person to make. Although, apparently Jake didn't see it that way. He was going around telling everyone. He'd just drop it into conversations. Howard wanted to find out how. 

 

But he'd obviously not be subtle enough. He'd asked too many questions because Jake had looked at him, his green eyes focused and intent. "You're not out?" 

 

Howard didn't know how to respond. His mouth didn't seem to be working. He was tempted to bluster his way through it, but Jake didn't look annoyed and there was no note of condescension in the question. So Howard took a deep breath and managed to shake his head. 

 

Jake nodded. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise." 

 

Howard wanted to laugh. No, he wanted to say. Me either. Instead he swallowed. "It's fine. I just... I don't know how..." he wanted to finish his sentence with a more specific point but eventually gave up. The point was still fair. 

 

After that Jake seemed to sort of take Howard under his wing. He was very patient and Howard realised later that he never actually suggested that he come out at all. He simply nodded as Howard talked about Vince and his realisation that maybe their whole relationship was based on a lie. A huge weight had been lifted. He felt proud and connected to his surroundings in a way he'd never experienced before. 

 

As he'd looked out at the savage and beautiful coast of Denmark, nothing had seemed impossible. It hadn't even seemed like a choice to come back and tell Vince. It was more like a mission. 

 

Jurgen hadn't been pleased when he'd pulled out of filming. But he'd seemed to understand that he needed to follow his heart, nothing could stop him. 

 

That was until he arrived back at the Nabootique. Vince had scowled and bitched at him. They'd replaced him. His weeks away seemed like a dull dream as reality pressed down on his shoulders. The Vince waiting for him in England (other than not actually waiting for him) was not the one he remembered. He was angry and disinterested. 

 

He suspected that he ought to leave. Jurgen certainly seemed keen to have him back and Vince didn't seem like it would bother him. But, Howard thought he owed it to Vince, and himself, to at least be honest before leaving. And sometimes, there were glimpses of how they used to be. Like when Vince had asked to spend New Years together. Then without reason, they'd be gone again. The sudden shifts of mood left him tired and a bit sad. He didn't know how to keep going. Every time he worked himself up to say something only to be shot down, it was harder to try again. 

 

Vince stormed down the stairs and out of the shop without looking at him about an hour later. Howard watched him go and tried not to feel too sad. He'd catch him later. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

 

Vince didn't let Howard talk to him again for the rest of the week. He made sure he was in his room pretending to sleep or out when Howard was around. He knew it was just a delaying tactic but he couldn't seem to help himself. It made him a coward, something he'd not really considered himself before, but that seemed better than hearing Howard tell him he was leaving again. 

 

He suspected he wasn't as fun when he was out as before. Leroy was giving him odd looks and he wasn't getting his normal levels of attention. But, then, he didn't really want them either. He was happy to be left alone: it made it easier to think about Howard and ways that he could make him stay. He didn't have a plan yet. But that didn't stop him working on one. 

 

One night just over a week after that last conversation (row), he was taking more time to get ready because Howard was out at jazzercise. A knock at the shop door, just as he was finishing his hair, made him jump.

 

He paused, not sure who it could be. He considered just leaving it, but when they knocked again, he trudged down the stairs and opened the door. He blinked at the man on the other side.

 

"Vince?" he said slowly. 

 

Vince grinned, used to people recognising him when he didn't know who the they were. "Yeah," he said, trying to arrange his face into his normal easy-going smile. "Alright?" 

 

The man smiled at him. He was maybe a bit younger than Vince, with green eyes and a strong jaw. He was attractive in a very generic, bland, kind of a way. "Is err ... is Howard in?" 

 

Vince felt his smile falter and blink out. "I'm sorry, what?" he said. When he looked again he noticed the guy had a huge rucksack at his feet. He was certain he didn't recognise him and he thought he might have detected an American accent. 

 

The guy's smile dimmed for a moment. "Is Howard in?" He looked at the way Vince was blocking the door and tried again. "I'm Jake. I met Howard in Denmark? I probably should have called first, but I was passing through and thought I'd say hi..." 

 

Vince realised that it was time to say something but he couldn't seem to decide on what that ought to be. "You're friends with Howard?" he said, trying to wrap his head around what was happening. 

 

"Yeah," Jake said, looking relieved. "Jake?" 

 

Vince racked his brains trying to remember if Howard had said anything about a Jake. To be honest they hadn't really talked since Howard got back. But, now he thought about it, there had been a Jake. Vince had assumed he'd be an old, crusty actor. Like Lester but with acting instead of jazz. Not a young guy, who looked like he belonged at a catalogue shoot. A Littlewoods shoot, but still. "He's not here." Vince heard himself say. 

 

"Oh," Jake looked a bit confused. "Can I wait for him?" 

 

Vince wanted to tell him no. He wanted to tell him that Howard had left the country. Or he was dead or that he'd told him that he hated all Americans now. He'd done worse to chase people away from Howard. He could feel the words forming but he never managed to get them out of his mouth. 

 

"Jake?" Howard's voice made them both startle and turn towards the sound. 

 

Howard was walking down the street, his gym bag slung over his shoulder. Jake grinned happily. Something dark and unpleasant unfurl in his chest. When he was close enough, Jake wrapped his arms around Howard and hugged him. Howard went still but there was no "don't touch me" or a shove away. Vince felt like he was standing in quick sand. 

 

"What are you doing here?" Howard was asking. 

 

"I was passing through and thought I'd come check up on you," Jake said as he grinned up at Howard. In the light from inside the shop Vince could see the pleasure lighting his eyes. 

 

"Great," Howard said. Then he looked up, passed Jake, to Vince. His smile faltered for a moment. "Ah, you've met," he said.

 

"Yeah," Vince said slowly. He wanted to say something mean but he was so shocked nothing came to mind. 

 

The resulting silence was probably awkward for everyone else, but Vince hardly noticed. In the end Howard clapped his hands together. "Off out are you?" 

 

Vince looked down at his outfit. He had the sudden urge to say no, but knew he'd just look stupid. "Yeah, yeah," he said. "There's a new club opening in Camden. They're dedicating it to me. Genius." The last part was a lie. They had been planning to, but apparently since Howard had gone away Vince wasn't making the effort, and they'd found some new French tit to name it after instead. 

 

"Wow," Jake said, looking impressed. "I can barely get into clubs in New York sometimes, let alone have one dedicated to me!"

 

He never had to figure out whether to let himself be complemented or say something cutting because Howard spoke over him. "Great," he said. "Don't let us keep you." 

 

He picked up Jake's bag and pushed by him into the shop. "See you later, Vince," Jake said. "It's nice to finally meet you."

 

Vince blinked after them as they walked into the shop and out of sight. He stood motionless for a few moments. He didn't want to leave, but he'd just said he was going. Besides, he'd look like a tit going back in now. In the end he pulled the door shut and left. 

 

But he couldn't settle for the rest of the night. He kept thinking about the flat. About what Jake and Howard were  doing. Was he there to take Howard back with him? Maybe this was the last night Howard would be at the flat. Or maybe Jake wanted Howard to move to America and do... actor things with him. 

 

He lasted three hours before he was in a taxi and heading back to the flat. 

 

Once back inside, he took his boots off and then ran up the stairs two at a time. Just before he reached the top he tried to slow down so it didn't look like he was running, and managed to tip forward. He ended up sprawled at the top of the stairs.

 

Howard and Jake were both staring at him when he scrambled to his feet. He wondered if the dark light and his makeup were enough to hide the blush he could feel creeping up his throat to his cheeks. 

 

"Vince," Howard said, his voice surprised and his eyes wide (for Howard). "What are you doing back so early?" 

 

"I wasn't feeling it," Vince said, trying to sound unaffected and not out of breath. 

 

"I thought they were dedicating the place to you?" Howard said. 

 

He didn't sound disbelieving exactly but Vince didn’t much like his tone. So he did what a lot of people do when they're caught in a lie: he got defensive. "Alright, tiny eyes, calm down. It's not going to be the last time that happens is it? Didn't mean to interrupt your exciting night of drinking tea and listening to terrible music." 

 

Howard looked embarrassed. Jake, who was just as good looking as Vince remembered, smiled a bit awkwardly. "Tea is exciting to me," he said, touching Howard's arm gently. "We don't get so much of that in the US." 

 

Howard's mouth twitched, like it wanted to form a smile, but he was trying to suppress it. It made Vince feel bad for being mean and then jealous that someone else was coming to his defence. That used to be his place. When had that changed? When had he become the thing Howard needed protecting from? He had the urge to say something else rude but he pushed it down. "What you guys been doing?" he asked instead, trying to sound causal and as though the last interaction hadn't happened. 

 

"Just catching up," Howard said quickly. A bit too quickly. Vince could always tell when Howard was lying. 

 

"It's great to finally meet you, Vince," Jake said, cutting in before Vince could reply. "I've heard so much about you that it's like meeting a celebrity." 

 

Vince's eyes snapped to Howard. Had he really been talking about him while he was away? It made him want to preen a bit. Although he couldn't quite imagine what Howard might have said. Maybe it was all bad. "Like what?" he said eventually. He sounded petulant and defensive. 

 

Jake frowned at him. "Well," he said, looking to Howard uncertainly, "just about the adventures you two get up to. And ... erm, about your love of fashion." 

 

"As if Howard knows anything about fashion," he said before he could stop himself. "He dresses like he mugged a blind homeless man who was assaulted by the spirit of jazz and left for dead." 

 

"I have a timeless look," Howard said, although his usual bluster was dimmed and Vince felt guilty again. 

 

Jake swallowed and looked between them, seeming unsure what was happening. Vince wasn't entirely sure come to that. He didn't know what he'd hoped to achieve by coming home. Howard was already planning to leave, it hardly mattered if he had a new friend. It just stung and some part of Vince wanted to see it with his own eyes. Or maybe he was just a brat that didn't want Howard to be happy with someone else.

 

"So," Jake said, perhaps a little too loudly, "how'd you two meet? I want to hear stories about Howard when he was young!" He grinned at Howard and Vince’s chest tightened. He knew that look. He'd worn it himself enough times. It was a sort of teasing pride. He looked pleased that he'd figured out Howard was worth knowing. The affection was clear in the desire to make gentle fun of him.

 

"We met at school," Howard said, he was looking at his hands. 

 

"Howard was never young, though. I thought he was well boring when we first met." It wasn't even true. He'd thought Howard was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. An adult, certainly, but one that didn't look at him like he was an idiot. He was the only one that seemed to think Vince was something worth seeing at all. After his Dad died, he'd been alone all the time and when he wasn't, he was being told shut up and stop making up stupid stories. But Howard wasn't like that. He'd liked Vince's stories. He'd always found the time to listened to them. 

 

The memory inexplicably made him want to cry. "He helped me with my homework," he said, his throat tight. He looked directly at Jake, not daring to look at Howard. "He, erm, he never let me get away with not doing it. Even when it was pointless and I didn't understand it. I was well thick, see, and most people didn't bother trying to make me learn. But, Howard said it'd be important one day." 

 

It was silent after he finished speaking. "You weren't thick, Vince," Howard said slowly. "You just... dyslexia doesn't make you thick. You just learn in a different way." 

 

Vince shrugged, still not looking at Howard. "Anyway, that's how we met. Then he got me a job at the zoo when I failed all my GCSEs. He said I could do without them. Though, he still made me retake them when I got there." It was much easier with Howard there to coach him through it. He'd somehow managed to make revising bearable. It wasn't like Vince got good grades the second time around, but with that and a B-Tech in animal care he'd felt a lot less like an actual village idiot. 

 

"I can image Howard as a teacher," Jake said into the silence that followed. "But, it's weird to think of you guys at a zoo." 

 

Howard actually smiled. "I loved the zoo," he said, sounding a bit wistful. 

 

Vince wondered if he missed it. They'd never really talked about it after they left. It had been his idea. It was clear it was about to be shut down; Naboo had already 'rescued' Bollo and left. Vince wasn't sure what Howard would do when they closed it down, but he knew he definitely didn't want to find out. He'd all but begged Naboo to take them in. 

 

Howard hadn't put up much of a fight in the end. But he'd been a bit sadder since they left. "It wasn't your fault it all went wrong," Vince said. He wasn't sure what made him say it, but it felt important. 

 

Howard's eyes snapped to him. He looked startled. Whether at Vince saying something encouraging or the words themselves he wasn't sure. "It was Fossil and Bambridge. They ran it into the ground. You were a good keeper. Probably the best one." 

 

Howard shifted, looking uncomfortable. He was always like that: looking for validation everywhere and shying away from it when he got it. Vince had been the opposite. He wondered sometimes if that was because of Howard. He had all the validation he'd needed from the moment they met. He wished he'd been able to do the same for Howard. Maybe Jake could. Or Jurgen.

 

"I can't talk to animals, though, can I can?" Howard said in the end. 

 

"Is that true?" Jake said eagerly, leaning forward. "Can you really talk to animals? I thought Howard was having me on." 

 

Vince grinned. "Yeah, course," he said. "Always have. But no one ever believed me before Howard on account of them not being able to verify what I'm saying and that." 

 

Jake nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." After another pause Jake stretched and yawned. "Well," he said, "I'm gonna head to bed. Are you sure I can have your room, Howard? I'd be fine on the couch. I turned up uninvited after all." 

 

"No, sir," Howard said immediately. "Howard Moon is a gentleman. I'll be fine here." 

 

But he stood and went with Jake to his room anyway. Vince edged closer to the door, desperate to hear what they would talk about when they were alone. 

 

"Thanks for coming," Howard was saying when Vince was nearly pressed against the closed door. "You didn't need to." 

 

"Of course," Jake said. His voice was gentle and private. Vince wondered how much time they'd spent together when they were away. "Vince seems nice." 

 

Howard said something that he couldn't make out but it made Jake laugh. "He's cute." Vince scrunched his noise. Cute wasn't a word that people tended to use in conjunction with him very often. "Not my type, obviously," Jake hurried on. "I like my men manly and serious." 

 

Vince felt the world tilt crazily. Jake was gay? He itched to barge into the room but his feet were rooted to the spot. 

 

"Vince is apparently everyone's type," Howard said, either ignoring or not understanding, Jake's insinuation. It made Vince nervous. 

 

"Thanks for the room," Jake said, apparently deciding not to press Howard. "And think about what I said." 

 

"Hmm," Howard softly. Vince could have kicked himself for not getting back earlier. 

 

"It'll be okay," Jake said after a pause. 

 

"I don't..." Vince wasn't sure if Howard stopped speaking or he just couldn't hear him anymore. It was silent for a long time. What was happening? His hand went to the handle of the door. 

 

"Sorry," Jake said, then, "night Howard." 

 

"Night Jake," Howard repeated after a bit of a pause. Vince leaped away from the door and onto the sofa. He tried to land in a casual way.

 

Howard gave him an odd look when he emerged from his room, which made him wonder if he’d failed to look as causal as he was aiming for. It was a bit awkward when Howard didn’t say anything. They hadn't been alone since the debacle about New Years. His head was also spinning from everything that had happened that night. Howard had a real friend. A young, almost good-looking, friend. Who was gay. And Howard was apparently happy about all of that. He wasn't even trying to sabotage it for himself like he usually did. It didn't seem to fit into the real world as a concept. 

 

On top of all of that, he and Howard had managed a perfectly civil conversation, albeit through the aforementioned friend. 

 

"So, good night?" Howard said when Vince didn't say anything. 

 

"Not really," he admitted. "Would have been better to stay in." 

 

Howard raised his eyebrows but seemed unsure how to proceed. "Well, at least you got to see Leroy." 

 

"I see him all the time," Vince said, hating the petulant tone in his voice but not sure how to get rid of it. 

 

Howard just nodded. "Tea?" He was hovering near the kettle as though not sure if he could get closer to Vince. 

 

He shrugged. "I suppose." It seemed like a long time since Howard had made him tea. 

 

He watched him as he fussed about with boiling the water and getting the bags out of the cupboard. "Jake seems nice," he said in the end. 

 

Howard stilled as he reached for the milk. "Yeah," he said slowly. "He's ..." 

 

If there was an end to the sentence Vince never heard it. He waited for a long time and eventually felt compelled to continue the conversation. "He doesn't seem like your normal friends," he tried. 

 

"What do you mean?" Howard was now fussing with the mugs, rearranging them where they rested on the counter.

 

"He's younger," Vince said slowly. "And not into jazz. And he seems... not your normal type of friend." He didn't know how to say gay out loud in front of Howard. He wasn't sure why. Howard had seen him pull blokes before. But they'd never talked about it. They'd never talked about sex at all. Well, only twice.

 

The first time was when Vince had started dating. He'd taken a girl out from his class who he'd been completely smitten with. Howard had sat him down and, beet red, explained to him how to be careful. He'd talked patiently about using protection and had given a long lecture about being a gentleman. Vince had translated that to being absolutely sure the girl was up for it and taking even a hint of no as final. 

 

The second time was after Howard had caught him snogging Simon. He was a mutual friend from Howard's year at college. Looking back Vince was sure he'd only done it because he wanted Howard to see him differently. As older and... available for the snogging of men that were older. Obviously, that hadn't happened. Instead he'd got a slightly more awkward conversation about how to make sure he was protected and also about how consent could be withdrawn at any time and he should never feel pressured into something he wasn't comfortable with. If possible, Howard had gone even redder during that speech but he'd carried on grimly. Vince had appreciated that talk a lot over the subsequent years. At the time he'd just felt sad and confused. He'd been sure that once Howard realised that Vince was mature enough to be interested in blokes he'd finally make a move. Or at least let Vince touch him a bit more. It hadn't worked. Nothing had worked. 

 

"He's a very fine actor with a good career ahead of him," Howard said firmly. 

 

But Vince hadn't been his friend for this long not to know when Howard did and didn't understand what he was getting at. "Howard," he said slowly. 

 

"What?" Howard said. Vince could see from the other side of the room how tense he was. He was holding himself completely still. 

 

"You know Jake's gay, right?" He tried to leave any inflection out of his voice. Howard didn't move. It didn't look like he was even breathing. "Only, he's come all the way here and he's in your bed." He tasted something bitter on his tongue. But he had to know. Maybe this would be the way to make sure nothing happened. With any luck Howard would chase him off by morning. "I don't think friends do that..." 

 

Howard let out a long breath. "That's not why he's here," he said after a moment. "He's not interested in me like that. We're friends." 

 

Vince frowned. "As if," he said. "No one comes all the way to someone's house in the middle of the night unless it's a booty call." 

 

The idea did seem a bit absurd. Who would think Howard would ever be up for that? But maybe Americans didn't understand Howard's signals. Or maybe Jake was just trying his luck. He knew for sure he hadn't misread the looks he was sending Howard's way. Besides, he had to make Howard understand and, if possible, make sure nothing ever happened. 

 

Vince was determined that he wouldn't be replaced so completely. Even if Howard left, he didn't want someone there capitalising on his years of groundwork. No, if anyone was going to eventually grind Howard down and get more than a forced snog, it was going to be Vince. He’d seen off tougher competition than some pretty-boy yank that hadn’t even know Howard a year.

 

"It's really not," Howard said, finishing the tea and walking to the sofa. He handed a mug to Vince before sitting carefully down at the opposite end from him. "He's just being a good friend." 

 

Vince frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" He wasn't sure how, but there was a slight in Howard's words. 

 

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. "Nothing really," he said slowly. They sat in silence while Vince tried to formulate a way to get Howard to explain himself. But Howard beat him to it. "Do you miss the zoo?" 

 

The topic change surprised him and he was answering before he realised it. "Sometimes," he said with a shrug. "I miss the animals. I don't miss Fossil. I don't miss all the constant cleaning. I miss-" he was going to say hanging out with Howard but that was stupid and so he stopped himself. "It seemed simpler then." 

 

"Yeah," Howard said and Vince thought he might understand what he was trying to say. 

 

"Thanks for the tea," he said. 

 

Howard smiled. A genuine smile. It was nice. Vince could feel himself smiling in response. “You’re welcome,” Howard said softly. “I’m glad you came home early.”

 

As Vince watched Howard take a sip of tea he was suddenly afraid of ruining the first nice conversation they’d had in months. He was desperate to stay, to eke out the time they had together, but he knew if he hung around he’d say something mean. Or Howard would ruin the moment by saying something hurtful. So he forced himself to his feet. “It was nice of you to give him your bed,” he said.

 

Howard shrugged. “I’m a simple man, I don’t need a bed to be comfortable.”

 

Vince knew that was a complete lie. Howard was a dreadful sleeper and he barely fitted on the sofa. He wondered if he ought to offer his own bed. Or even that they share it. But he chased the idea away. Howard would never agree and he was meant to be ending the evening before a fight. “Thanks again, Howard,” he said. “See you in the morning.”

 

Howard smiled gently at him. “Sleep well, Vince.”

 

***

 

Jake opened his eyes and took a moment to remember where he was. His brain supplied that he wasn’t at home in New York and nor was he still in his tiny cabin in Denmark. Then the previous day dropped, fully formed, into his memories. Howard’s bed. He smiled a bit at the thought. Howard wasn’t in it with him, sadly, but you couldn’t have everything. Besides, that wasn’t why he had come. At least, that was mostly not why he’d come. He was there to help Howard on his journey out of the closet. It was a noble mission and he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t let the fact he hadn’t had sex in nearly a year cloud his judgement on what was best for his new friend.

 

He’d thought the older man was a bit weird when they’d first met. He was, he learnt later. But, he was also sweet and sad. He was also actually really attractive, if you could look beyond the dreadful clothes. Melancholy, older men were his thing. The fact he was in love with someone else just made it all the more perfect. A great crush, without the fear of anything happening and thus ruining it. 

 

The trip to London had been a bit impromptu, but hearing Howard’s sad voice on the other end of the phone had tugged at his heartstrings and he couldn’t leave him to do it alone. Plus, he didn’t have much waiting back in New York for him other than a list of auditions he already knew he wasn’t going to get. He could afford to spend a little time in London and help out a friend.

 

He rubbed his face and climbed out of the bed. The room was so completely what he expected of Howard, it made him smile. Jazz record and books were everywhere. He picked up the photo resting next to bed. It was a shot of Howard and Vince, probably at the zoo, given the matching jackets. They looked younger too. Vince was looking up at Howard with his big, blue eyes and a bit of a dopey expression on his face. He wondered what Howard thought that look was. Because, even before he’d seen the death glares being sent his way from Vince, he’d been convinced he was in love with Howard. It was obvious in the way Howard described their relationship. How Howard had managed to miss it all these years was a mystery. But, then, he’d also missed the fact he was gay, so maybe it wasn’t all that surprising.

 

The usual feeling of awkwardness at being in an unfamiliar home crept over him. Should he get dressed before he left the room? Would anyone be awake? He remembered Howard saying he had more roommates than just Vince and he didn’t want anyone to think he was robbing the place. But on the other hand he thought he might be able to smell coffee. When he entered the living room he saw Howard was already up, his hair damp from a shower, fussing with a cafetiere of coffee.

 

“Morning,” he said. Looking around and finding them alone, he walked across the room to join him in the kitchen. “Coffee! You’re my hero.”

 

Howard actually blushed which was really sweet and then blustered something about being a man of action. Jake hardly heard him because there was coffee and actual cream sitting on the kitchen counter. He poured himself a cup and took a sip. It was almost like being home. “Good night?” he asked, leaning back on the counter. “Did you and Vince get to talk at all?”

 

Howard shook his head and didn’t meet his eyes. “Not like that,” he muttered. “But we didn’t argue.”

 

Jake nodded and drank more coffee. He wondered if it would be rude to have another cup when he was done. “Well, that’s good,” he said absently. When no reply came he looked over his cup to Howard. He was frowning, his eyes drifting to the closed door on the other side of the room. Jake smiled a little. “He obviously really cares about you,” he said, getting Howard to look back to him. “I think it’ll be good when you do tell him.”

 

Howard didn’t say anything.

 

Jake had gotten used to filling the silences when they were in Denmark. It was quite nice to be the chatty friend for once. “Maybe you should make a statement,” he said.

 

“What do you mean?” Howard narrowed his eyes at him.

 

“Like maybe you should try showing you’ve… made some realisations, rather than saying it?” Jake suggested.

 

“How would I do that?” Howard very much sounded like he already hated the idea.

 

But, Jake had started and he wasn’t going to back out at the first sign of disagreement. “I don’t know, update your look? Get a haircut? Get a boyfriend?” He’d slipped the last one in as a joke, just to see what Howard would do. To his amusement, Howard actually blushed. He didn’t know any 40 year old gays back home that would blush at the idea of a boyfriend. There was something hopelessly endearing (and a bit tragic) about it. He took pity on him and chuckled. “I’m joking, Howard,” he said. “But, maybe not about the look part.”

 

Howard puffed out his chest. “My look is timeless, I will not be buffeted about on the winds of fashion for anyone. No, sir.”

 

Jake ignored him, having suspected since about a week of knowing him, that Howard only brought how that type of talk when he was nervous. Instead, he smiled and reached out to tug at a strand of still-damp hair. “A haircut isn’t going to kill you. Although,” he said, pulling the strand, “I do love a curl.”

 

Of course, Vince chose that moment to emerge from his room. Howard, also of course, blushed again and stepped back. Jake tried to arrange his face into a non-guilty expression. It was like he could feel the heat of the glare being sent their way even with his eyes adverted.

 

“Good morning,” Howard said, his voice formal. “Would you like some coffee, Vince?”

 

Jake tried not to be bitter about Vince getting his second cup of coffee as well as Howard’s affections. “Morning,” he said, grinning.

 

“Yeah,” Vince said. It wasn’t clear which one of them he was agreeing with, but Howard busied himself making Vince a coffee anyway. "You two got plans for the day? Or are you heading off, Jake?" 

 

Jake tried not to smile. Then, because no one had ever accused him of not being petty, he said, "I'm in no rush, actually. I thought I could stay for awhile. At least until Howard gets bored of me." 

 

He grinned over to where Howard was placing Vince's coffee on the table. He gave Jake a slightly odd look, possibly because yesterday he'd said he needed to get back in the next couple of days. But he didn't contradict him. "You're welcome as long as you like," he said. His voice was a bit stilted and formal but sincere. It seemed a bit ridiculous that a man of his age should be quite so silly and endearing. But the living proof, in all his Hawaiian shirted and sandaled glory, was standing right in front of him. 

 

"Great!" he said. "We should go and see the sights and then, you are getting me so drunk I forget my name." Then he added, because he wasn't a total prick, "Vince come with us! At least to the drinking part. I'm not big on clubs, but I'd love to see some real English pubs while I'm here." 

 

He had to admit that neither of the other men seemed wild about the idea. But, he was an American, he'd have enough enthusiasm for all three of them if he had to. 

 

Vince shrugged. "I guess we could show you some of the sights."

 

Howard was frowning and Jake could sense a no forming. So, he leaned forward and smiled as winningly as he could. "I bet you know all about the history around here, right Howard? How about a tour?" 

 

It was a cheap shot and he saw Vince glare at him for it, but it was worth it to see the way Howard puffed his chest out. "I do happen to know some of the local history. Some call me the Camden historian." 

 

Vince chuckled. "That is not what they call you." 

 

"They do, sir," Howard said, lifting his chin. 

 

"They don't. They call you the Camden hobo." 

 

Howard shook his head and narrowed his eyes. "That is not what they call me. I have a quiet dignity and have read as many as two books about history." 

 

"They do call you that. There's a sign outside the shop. It says, this way for hobo lovin', only five euros," Vince giggled, the back of his hand coming up to cover his mouth as he ducked his head. 

 

Jake totally got what had Howard hooked. He was a beautiful man, almost other worldly. He looked between them, unsure if they were really arguing. But Howard didn't look hurt. His eyes were sparkling and Vince was grinning at him, looking pleased with himself. Maybe this was what passed for foreplay in England. 

 

Either way, by 8pm that night the pub they'd found themselves in way starting to go a bit fuzzy around the edges. The day had been... strange. It was fun, but he hadn't seen a lot of London. They'd barely left the shop before an entirely green man, like the witch in Wizard of Oz, only even more scary, chased them down the street shouting about eels. Then they'd bumped into Howard and Vince's housemates, one of whom was a gorilla. A real one. He'd felt a bit weak at the knees for a moment, until Howard had placed a hand on his back to steady him. 

 

They spent the day doing errands, which should have been annoying, but apparently in Howard and Vince's world that meant buying magical ingredients for a council of shamen. It was pretty awesome. 

 

They ended up in a pub which smelt like it had been operating for a few hundred years. But it had a good selection of beers and Vince was able to order a cocktail. He felt a bit confused about what had happened during the day but instead of trying to process it, he decided to get as many drinks in as possible. 

 

"You know," he was saying some time later, "what I don't get?"

 

"What's that?" Vince was smiling at him. He'd slowly seemed to warm up to Jake throughout the day. Whether that was because he was feeling less worried about his intentions toward Howard or because he was just naturally inclined to be nice, Jake wasn't sure. 

 

"You two," Jake said. "You are so different." 

 

Vince shrugged. "I guess." 

 

Howard looked uncomfortable and shifted in his seat. Instead of answering he downed the rest of his drink. 

 

"Yeah, but, you're so different. What made you become friends in the first place?" Some part of his brain was saying that he was being rude but it was bugging him and had been since he'd properly met Vince. It shouldn't work. Not even as a friendship, and yet it clearly did. 

 

"I don't know," Vince said, "I think... I think because Howard's the only one that's never cared that I was well weird." He stopped to play with his hair. Jake could feel Howard paying close attention. "When I first started wearing makeup he didn't say nothing. He just said it made my eyes look even bigger. And now, he don't care if I don't make a big effort to dress up. He's always the same with me and I don't know anyone that's always been there for me like that. He's been there since I was tiny. And he makes me laugh." 

 

Jake stole a glance over to Howard. His eyes were fixed on Vince and it looked like he was barely breathing. But, it became clear that he wasn't going to speak. So he nodded, and reached out to grab Howard's hand, hoping to nudge him into action. "I know what you mean, he's very accepting for someone so traditional." 

 

Vince's eyes were glued to where Jake's hand was resting on Howard's. He wanted to move it, but he was also fascinated to find out what would happen if he didn't. Howard didn't say anything and it felt nice holding someone's hand so he decided to just to leave it where it was. 

 

"Howard just let me talk at him when we met on set," Jake said to fill the silence. "I'd never even been out of America before, let alone on a foreign film set. I was a wreck, but Howard just let me go on and on about Tom." He leant forward and stage whispered to Vince, "Tom's my ex. He dumped me just before I left and Howard listened to my pathetic rambling for weeks." He realised that his thumb had started rubbing over Howard's knuckles. His brain was screaming at him that he was playing with fire but he couldn't seem to stop the movement. 

 

"What happened?" Vince asked, pointedly ignoring the hand holding. 

 

For a moment he thought he was talking about him and Howard. The 'Nothing, tragically' was primed and ready when he realised. "Oh, he wanted to get banged on the regular and as I was going to be away, he didn't see the point." He tried to shrug it off but it still hurt. He'd genuinely thought they were going somewhere. He wasn't sure how much was hurt pride verses actual heartbreak but maybe that didn't matter. It hurt either way. 

 

"He seems like a cad," Howard said firmly. 

 

Vince rolled his eye. "Cad? How old are you?" 

 

"He is a cad!" Jake said, then, "More drinks!" 

 

By the time he was staggering back to the table Vince and Howard were singing a weird song about salt and vinegar crisps. He smiled happily at them, pleased to see they were getting along. They had a few more drinks before winding their way back the flat. Vince was babbling about having a night cap and that seemed like a really good idea. 

 

It seemed like an even better idea when he was sat next to Howard on the sofa. They were pressed together tightly and Howard was talking about jazz. He wasn't sure what exactly it was about jazz but he was certain it was fascinating. 

 

"You have really nice eyes," Jake heard his mouth say without his permission. "They're lovely. So small but really expressive. Has anyone ever told you that?" 

 

Vince was fixing them drinks which was maybe why he thought it was a good idea to put his head on Howard's chest. Once there, it seemed natural to place his hand on his stomach. "Thanks for today," he mumbled. "It's been fun." 

 

"That's ... that's okay," Howard said softly. Jake could hear the words rumble in his chest as he spoke. 

 

"You should just go for it," he said, his eyes beginning to drop shut. He blinked and angled his head up to look at Howard. "You should just just tell him. If it doesn't work out... at least you'll know and you could... There'll be other options." 

 

Howard froze for a long time. "No," he said eventually. "There won't be. Not for me." 

 

Jake held Howard's gaze for a long moment, wondering if he understood all the implications of what he was suggesting. Maybe he ought to offer him a blow job to really drive his point home. But he suspected that wouldn't go down (heh) well. "Are you sure?" he asked instead. 

 

Howard didn't answer. Instead he smoothed Jake's hair from his forehead and Jake tried not to lean into the touch too obviously. "That's a shame," he said and then tried to shrug. "But I get it." 

 

"Alright?" Vince's voice was almost impossibly loud and it made them both jump. "Here's the drinks guys," he said placing them down on the table. "Why don't I just leave you to it?" He was turning on his heel and stalking from the room before they could answer. 

 

Howard looked horrified. 

 

"You should," Jake said, trying to push himself off of Howard, "You should go after him. Talk to him for once." 

 

Howard looked like he was going to argue. "I mean it, Howard, if that's really your only chance of being happy then you have to try. You're a man of action, right? Go act."

 

Howard nodded and scrambled to his feet. "Thanks," he muttered as he hurried away. 

 

Jake sighed into the empty room. "I'll just finish these drinks, then," he said. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

 

"Vince," Howard said, opening the door to his bedroom. He'd considered knocking but he didn't want to argue with him through a door. 

 

Vince turned to face him as he came into the room. 

 

"What Howard?" he snapped as soon as he saw him. His eyes were narrowed and his arms crossed defensively. 

 

"I..." Howard started before grinding to a halt. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure why Vince had even walked away. But his reaction to a totally platonic hug between him and Jake didn't bode well for how he'd take Howard coming out. "It wasn't..." 

 

"Look," Vince said, his voice clipped. "I don't really care what you get up to. I just wanted to go to bed. I have some actually

cool people to see tomorrow and I need to sleep before that." 

 

Howard tried to push down the stab of disappointment that Vince hadn't enjoyed their day together. He'd thought it had been fun. They'd barely argued and he'd really enjoyed being around him again. "It was just rude for you to storm off and leave our guest. Manners maketh the man, Vince." He wasn't sure that the cover was particularly convincing but he wasn't sure what else to say. 

 

"As if he cares, you're both so boring, I assumed you'd be showing him your jazz and bookmark collection by now." Vince was tapping his foot, apparently impatient for the conversation to be over. 

 

Howard sighed heavily. He was so tired of this dynamic, of Vince being normal one second and furious the next, that he didn't have the energy to pretend not to notice anymore. He was also three or four beers past holding his tongue. "Are you ever going to tell me what I did?" he said, trying to hold eye contact. He just wanted whatever this fight they'd been having for over a year to be over. 

 

Vince glared at him, his jaw tight with annoyance. "What's that supposed to mean? "

 

"You're angry all the time!" Howard threw up his hands, gesturing at Vince's body language to demonstrate his point. "Things... they just aren't working between us anymore and I don't... I don't know why." 

 

Vince looked like he was going to storm from the room again before he let out a long breath. "I don't know," he said eventually. "I don't know why. But, I just... you never. I wish l..." he fussed with his hair for a moment. "I'm just really tired of always being the one to make the effort. I always have to beg for your attention and I'm just... I'm tired of it." 

 

"You make all the effort?" He frowned as he struggled to comprehend the ridiculousness of the statement. "You're the one that tells me at every opportunity that you're too cool for me. You're always telling me I'm not good enough to be around you and your friends!" 

 

"That's not true!" Vince said, his voice rising in annoyance. "I followed you to zoo! I found us this flat and begged Naboo to give us jobs. I went to monkey hell for you, Howard. For what? You never do the same for me. Even on a desert island you didn't pick me. So, yes! Fine! I'm angry!" 

 

"I don't understand where this is coming from," Howard said, the conversation had gotten away from him and he didn't know what to say. He wasn't used to having Vince shout at him. 

 

"It's coming from you never saying anything! How am I meant to know how you feel when you don't tell me anything?" When Howard still couldn't think of how to respond, Vince huffed. "Do you even like me?" 

 

"What a stupid question!" Howard could feel himself going red. 

 

Vince stamped his foot. "That's not an answer, Howard! What do you ever do to show that you care? That you want me around?" 

 

Howard tried to form an answer but he was so overwhelmed that he couldn't think of a single thing to say. What Vince was saying was clearly preposterous and he couldn't understand where he was even coming from or what he really meant. The longer the silence went on, and the more desperate he was to think of something to say, the further away the words seemed to get. 

 

The silence went on too long and Vince let out a sigh. "Right, okay," he said softly and pushed by him and out of the room. 

 

Howard was left staring at the shut door of Vince's bedroom feeling utterly confused. He understood, on some level, that Vince was right. Those things had happened. But he'd got them all backwards, it was like looking at the events of their life but through a series of mirrors where everything was distorted and upside down. Vince didn't hang off Howard; it was the other way around. 

 

Vince was too good for him. Howard had known that since pretty much the day they met. He was special, everyone loved him and he was destined for big things. And Howard was... not. Not really. Maybe that was why he'd clung to Vince so stubbornly. Being around someone special made him feel special. 

 

He'd always assumed Vince knew that was their dynamic. How could he not? Besides, he'd never shown the slightest bit of interest in the things Howard cared about. He hated jazz and he thought Howard was a boring idiot rather than a great scholar or writer. Vince had made that clear over the years in hundreds of ways. So why was he suddenly accusing Howard of not picking him?

 

He tried not to think about the Milky Joe debacle. It had been confusing enough at the time. It hadn't occurred to him that Vince would be offended by him creating a new friend. If anything, he'd assumed he'd be pleased. 

 

Howard was always trying to figure out how to lessen his burden on those around him. Sometimes that meant finding other friends or forcing Vince to see that he didn't always have to look after Howard because he could do things on his own. He could find a yeti or become an adventurer. Of course, he proved time and again that wasn't the case. But it just made him want to try even more. Maybe he'd started pushing Vince too hard. But he was only trying to extend the time they had together by offering Vince the odd break from having to be with him. 

 

By contrast, he'd always needed Vince. He was the sunshine. The light shades in his life. And back when they were younger he was someone Howard could look after. That was probably when they'd worked best. When Vince would let him coddle him a bit. Or teach him about how the zoo worked. He missed those days most, when he really felt like he was contributing to the relationship. He was desperate to keep Vince in his life. Maybe that had made him brittle about Vince's jokes. But it never occurred to him that the other man would care how Howard felt in return. It was obvious how lucky he felt to have Vince. So lucky it terrified him. 

 

***

 

Vince found himself on the roof. He'd considered leaving the house but he looked dreadful. The last thing he needed was people seeing him looking like a complete state. His reputation was hanging on by a thread as it was. His bloody reputation. It had taken him years to cultivate but now it was like a huge weight hanging from his neck. 

 

He'd always been desperate to fit in. He was a scrawny, weird looking, kid who got shoved around a lot at school. He still felt like that most days. He'd wanted to be more like Howard. He'd apparently been born knowing who and what he was. He never felt the need to change to fit in. It was why Vince had loved him from the moment they met.

 

Vince just wanted people to like him. If that meant changing his look or what he was into, then so be it. He realised that made him a bit shallow, but at least people saw him when he looked just right. Unlike he parents who never seemed to care if he was there or not. Howard was the first (and so far only) person who he didn't need to change for so they would like him. 

 

Although apparently Howard didn't like him after all. 

 

He'd asked for too much, that was the problem. He'd wanted more than Howard wanted to give. He'd tried all his usual tricks, changing his clothes and his interests, to get his attention. But nothing worked. And now it was clear that nothing ever would because Howard had finally realised that he wasn't worth bothering with. The only person who really knew him, didn't want him.

 

He drew his knees up to his chest and folded his arms on top of them so he could bury his face into them. He could feel tears prickle his eyes so he screwed them shut.

 

He knew it was Howard coming out of the skylight immediately. 

 

"Please leave me alone," he whispered, not lifting his head. "I don't want to talk to you." 

 

"Well, I want to talk to you," Howard said, firmly. His tone grated and Vince scowled into his arms. 

 

"And I don't want to talk to you!" he snapped. 

 

"There are things I need to tell you, Vince, and then you can ignore me all you want."

Howard had climbed out to join him on the roof. 

 

Vince patience finally snapped as Howard ignored his requests and settled down beside him. He knew he'd followed him out to tell him he was leaving. Howard never usually bothered to continue an argument. "I don't want to hear it, Howard!" he tried again lifting his head to glare at him as his voice rose in desperation. "Just leave me alone, there literally isn't a single thing that I want to hear from you tonight! Why won't you just listen to me for once? I don't want another lecture-" 

 

“I’m gay!” Howard’s voice was loud enough to cut through his ranting, more of a bellow than a shout.

 

Vince went very still, his heart pounding in his chest. “What?” he said into the total silence that followed. 

 

“I’m gay,” Howard said again only at a slightly lower volume. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

 

He blinked a few times, wondering if he was going to wake up, but nothing happened. “You’re gay?”

 

Howard looked uncomfortable, but he drew himself up and squared his shoulders. “Yes,” he said firmly.

 

“What the hell? Where’s this coming from? You can’t get one gay friend and suddenly go gay.” He didn’t know why he was arguing, but it seemed totally absurd.

 

“That’s not what happened, I’ve always been… gay,” he said the word slowly, deliberately, and Vince could see that it was hurting him to talk so openly.

 

“This isn’t fair!” he burst out. The words ripped their way right out from his lungs. It felt like he'd been awake for a year, so much had happened and he was drunk and heartbroken. He didn't have the energy to keep his defences up. "You figure this out because Jake turns up and is sniffing around you?" 

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Howard said, his voice cold.

 

“You heard me," he spat, the anger and sheer injustice of the situation made his voice rise. “I can’t believe you’re running off with him! I’ve loved you since I was 12! I’ve been waiting for so long for you to notice me and now you’re gay you’re just going to leave. It’s not fair!” he finished and his eyes flood with tears. He wanted to get away but he was trapped, so he let out a shuddering breath and swiped angrily at his eyes.

 

“I don’t understand,” Howard said, his voice was gentle as he shifted uncomfortably. 

 

Vince could feel the warmth coming from where he was sitting so close their legs were nearly touching. He sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “I just… I don’t get why it’s him and not-” His outburst had drained some of his anger and he managed to cut himself off before he finished the sentence. Not that it probably mattered. It was pretty obvious what he was going to say.

 

“I’m not… There’s nothing happening between me and Jake,” Howard said softly. “He’s just here for moral support. I’ve been trying to… to come out since I got back but I could never do it. That’s why I came back. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how. He’s just trying to help.”

 

Vince looked at him and sniffed. “Why do you need moral support for that?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Howard said. “I was worried you might… overreact.” The almost smile on his lips made Vince want to smile in return.

 

“But he likes you,” Vince said. Now they were talking about it, he couldn’t seem to stop. “I know he does.”

 

Howard looked a little uncomfortable. “I don’t… it wouldn’t work between us.”

 

So he did know that Jake was flirting with him. "Has he tried it on?”

 

Howard blushed and looked away. “It doesn’t matter, nothing happened. Nothing will happen.”

 

“Why not? He’s bloody perfect, isn’t he?” Vince said, his voice bitter and sad.

 

“Because… I… I’m already in love,” Howard’s sounded a bit scared but firm and sure.

 

Vince blinked and turned so he could face him properly. 

 

Howard was staring at him. Vince could tell that he was desperate to leave, his fists were clenched tightly where they rested on his lap. But he could also tell that he wasn’t actually going to; Vince recognised the determined set to his jaw. He would see whatever this was through.

 

“You’re in love?” Vince said, his heart starting to beat faster in his chest again.

 

Howard’s jaw clenched and unclenched a few times before he gave a slow, but firm, nod. His eyes were fixed straight ahead and his whole body was ramrod straight.

 

Vince’s eyes were misting over again. “Howard, I swear to God, if you’re not about to say that you love me I’m going to have burn this whole bloody building down.”

 

Howard’s lips twitched under his moustache. It was the most amazing thing Vince had ever seen. “Well, lucky for us, I was about to say exactly that.”

 

His heart was pounding wildly in his chest now and his stomach was doing backflips. He held his breath. But then nothing happened. He waited a little longer, but still nothing. “Well, bloody hurry up then!” he burst out.

 

“Oh,” Howard startled. "Oh, I love you. I realised while I was away that my heart… Well, it belonged to you. It has done for years but I didn’t realise and I know I’ve messed it all up. You deserve much better, really, but-”

 

In the years to come, he’d be sad that he didn’t get to hear the rest of Howard’s speech. But he couldn’t wait any longer. He threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. 

 

It wasn’t like their first kiss and nothing at all like their second. For one thing, Vince was still a bit snotty from crying and the angle was awkward. But, on the other hand, they didn’t have an audience and Howard had just told him that he loved him and it was the best thing that had ever happened to anyone ever. 

 

His hands moved to grip the front of Howard’s shirt as though he was worried he might run off. When Howard opened his mouth to him, Vince started to feel a bit dizzy. Rather than pulling back, he tugged at Howard's shirt so he could grab hold of him more firmly. It didn’t occur to him until afterwards that Howard might not want him to. He wanted to pull back and ask if Howard was okay, but Howard’s hands were running up and down his back and he didn’t want to move even a little. 

 

"I'm sorry," Howard muttered when Vince pulled back a bit. 

 

"For what?" he said, wanting to stop taking and get back to the kissing. 

 

"For making you think I didn't care," Howard wrapped his arms tightly around Vince and buried his head into his neck. "I never meant to make you think that." 

 

Vince didn't know what to say. He wasn't used to Howard apologising. A lot of things seemed to have happened very quickly and he couldn't keep them all in his head. "It's okay," he said, stroking Howard's hair. "I'm sorry I yelled. I just... I've..." It shouldn't be hard to say it. Not when Howard had been so brave, but he'd been keeping the words locked up for so long he found they got stuck in his chest. Instead he tilted Howard's head back up and kissed him again, hoping to show him how he felt instead. 

 

It wasn't until he went to deepen the kiss that he remembered they were on the roof and in danger of falling to their death. That didn't seem quite so bad when Howard was clinging to him, but he had to do something. "Shall we..?" he tried but his breath caught in his throat when Howard's hands came up to cup the back of his hair. "Shall we go back in?" 

 

Howard pulled back looking embarrassed. "Yes, of course," he said, his hands dropping back to his sides. "You should get some sleep. It's been a long day." 

 

Vince paused, confused about the shift in tone. "I meant," he said slowly, "it's dangerous on this roof and I want to be able to kiss you without us both plunging to our deaths." 

 

"Oh," Howard said, blinking and looking a bit startled, as though he'd completely forgotten their surroundings. "Oh okay." 

 

They clambered back into the flat and stood staring at each other in the living room. Vince felt suddenly shy. He wanted to reach out and touch Howard again but the lights seemed incredibly bright, making everything a bit too real. 

 

"Did you mean it?" he asked quietly. 

 

Howard looked for a moment like he was going to deflect the question but Vince watched him steel himself. He balled his hands into tight fists and squared his jaw. Then he nodded again. "Yes," he said, his voice was soft, hardly above a whisper, but it seemed loud in the quiet of the living room. 

 

It gave him the confidence to step forward. He lifted a hand out to touch Howard's face. Of course, he flinched back. He dropped his hand again. "Sorry," he said. 

 

Howard scowled and shook his head. "No, it's fine. I'm sorry, I don't know why... I'm just not used to..." 

 

Vince nodded. "It's okay, Howard. I should have asked. Is it okay if I kiss you again?" 

 

He watched as Howard's eyes lit up. He looked so pleased that Vince smiled and stepped closer. He had to tilt his head back to keep eye contact. Howard had always made him feel small. He always felt safer with him. Even now, when his heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest. Everything felt unreal and confusing but that wasn't going to stop him from pressing their lips together. 

 

They ended up on the sofa, with Vince in Howard's lap. "This is mental," he panted, pulling back. Howard's hands were making a mess of his hair but he didn't care. Howard looked a bit worried, so he clarified, "It's brilliant, but it's... I can't believe it's really happening." 

 

"Yeah," Howard nodded, his eyes were wide and a bit scared looking. "I didn't think you'd want to... do this with me. Especially after everything." 

 

Vince suspected they were going to have to talk about 'everything'. But he didn't want to. He wasn't good at talking. The words got tangled in his head and didn't come out right. He always seemed to end up hurting Howard and he didn't want to do that. Not ever again. He just wanted Howard to keep looking at him like he was now. Like he was happy and content, with Vince sat in his lap and his hair all messy from where Vince's hands had been raking through it. He could already imagine Howard pulling back from him, some perceived slight making him turn cold and shoving Vince off him, and it made him tongue tied. 

 

Howard was looking at him, probably waiting for a response but he couldn't think of what to say. Whenever he was unsure he usually made a joke but he was worried that might annoy Howard. He'd never really done the sappy declaration thing. There'd never been an occasion. Most of his girlfriends didn't last more than a couple of weeks. Certainly not long enough to get beyond telling them that their outfits were genius and onto something more heartfelt. He didn't know how to explain how Howard made him feel. 

 

"I don't..." he started and then wasn't sure what he was trying to say. Howard looked horrified and he realised that was the completely wrong response, so he tried again. "I mean, I don't know what to say. I just want you to keep kissing me." 

 

Howard still looked a bit worried but he craned his head up and pressed their lips back together. He was a good kisser, certainly better than when they'd kissed at the party. He wondered if he'd been practicing with Jake. Or maybe someone else. He hadn't asked about what had happened while Howard was away. Maybe he wasn't even a virgin anymore. He tried to push the thoughts away and concentrate on the way Howard's tongue felt against his own. 

 

It felt amazing. As did the way his hands were running down his back and pulling them closer. Vince shifted, wanting to press himself closer and as he did his erection rubbed against Howard's stomach. He couldn't help the little moan he let out at the friction. He tried not to feel embarrassed, after all, he could feel Howard's answering hardness pressing against him. 

 

"Should we go to my bedroom?" he asked Howard's ear. He couldn't quite summon up the courage to look at him. 

 

"I..." Howard said, his hands stopping. "Do you want to?" 

 

"Yes," Vince said before he even thought about it. Of course he did. He'd been thinking about it since he was a teenager. He wanted Howard naked in his bed more than anything. Although, what he'd do with him when he was there, was another matter. 

 

He expected a lot more fussing from Howard once he'd said it. But to his great surprise, and delight, Howard gripped him firmly and lifted them both off the sofa. Once placing Vince onto his feet he took him by the hand and led them into Vince’s bedroom. It was darker there but neither of them turned on a light. 

 

It was about to get awkward so he kissed Howard in a bid to stop either of them thinking. Howard had got them this far and it was his turn to take up the slack. He knew the moves. Well, not these moves, but some quite like them. It was time to remove some clothing. He was wearing a jump suit with quite a lot of buttons so it seemed much easier to start with Howard's shirt. Once that was off there were about five more layers of fabric to contend  with until he could get at actual skin.

 

Howard looked put out whenever Vince managed to wrestle a piece of clothing off him, but he didn't stop him. When he finally had him at least half naked he took a step back to look at him. "Genius," he whispered, then felt a bit embarrassed so he kissed Howard to distract him. His skin under Vince’s hands felt amazing, soft and warm. His hands drifted lower, to his belt, when Howard grabbed both his hands with his own. 

 

Vince wondered if he was about to get chucked before he'd even managed to get Howard naked.

 

"Sorry," Howard said. Vince held himself still, not wanting to make the situation worse. "I don't... Are you sure?" 

 

Vince nodded but couldn't seem to keep his mouth closed. "I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted. 

 

"Have you ever...?" Howard looked uncomfortable. Since those first couple of chats, they'd seemed to mutually agree that the less they knew about what the other got up to in the bedroom, the better. 

 

"Not with blokes. I tried a few times," he admitted, willing himself not to blush as hard as he wanted to. "But I always chickened out." They'd always slipped up and shown they weren't Howard and he'd lost interest. He'd exchanged a few blow jobs and the odd awkward hand job but other than that, he didn't have any clue what he ought to do with Howard. He was acutely aware that this was his first time and he wanted to make it special for him. 

 

Howard nodded at his admission and visibly relaxed. He wanted to ask him if he'd done anything while he was away but he didn't want to upset him. 

 

"We don't have to do anything," Howard said after a moment. "You've been drinking and this is... there's a lot to consider." 

 

Vince rolled his eyes. "I've wanted to have sex with you since I knew what it was, Howard, a few drinks aren't going to make me do anything I don't want to." He moved his hands back to Howard's belt before he realised that maybe Howard meant he didn't want to do anything. "Unless, I mean, I'm happy with some kissing and maybe a bit of a cuddle. We don't have to do nothing if you're not ready." 

 

"Vince," Howard said, his eyes filling with warmth. "I... thank you." 

 

Vince's knees went a little weak. If Howard was trying to get out of sex, he was using all the wrong moves. He wasn't sure that Howard had ever looked at him like that before. It was making him a bit dizzy and confused; a sort of bubbly excitement and joy were fizzing in his chest. It made him want to giggle. He tried to push it down but he couldn't help the huge grin that crept across his face. "You don't have to thank me. This is genius."

 

For some reason that made Howard frown. It was like watching the lights go out on a Christmas tree. "I do... I know I'm not the easiest person to be around. I'm sorry about-" 

 

Vince shut him up with a kiss, if they started talking about the last year they'd be there all night and he had other plans for them. And he wasn't really sure he wanted to talk about it anyway. All he wanted, all he'd ever really wanted, was for them to go back to how they used to be. But with, maybe, more snogging. 

 

Howard seemed to get the hint at least because he started to wrestle with Vince's jumpsuit. It took quite a bit of manoeuvring and by the time it was mostly off, Vince was giggling. 

 

"This is not a laughing matter, sir," Howard said sternly, but Vince could see he wasn't annoyed. 

 

"I can't help it," he said. "It's well strange, us doing this." 

 

Howard gave him an unreadable look. "Yes," he agreed. "But good?" 

 

Vince laughed again. "Yeah. It's brilliant." 

 

They kissed again and Vince finally managed to get his hands on Howard's belt. Then they were naked in his bedroom and staring at each other. Vince wasn't sure what they ought to do now. He wasn’t embarrassed; they'd seen each other naked plenty of times. But the weight of the moment was hanging between them. He wasn't sure what would be too much and he really didn't want to scare Howard off. His own experience wasn't enough to guide them through the next steps. 

 

In the end he went for another kiss and managed to guide them to the bed. Given the hardness now pressed between them and occasionally brushing against his own, Vince was at least sure that Howard was enjoying himself. He was desperate to show him how good it could be. It felt like this might all be a test and he'd always been terrible at those unless he had Howard there to coach him through it. 

 

He took the initiative and rolled them over so he was on top and reached between them to take Howard in his hand. It made him shudder and still under him. His eyes screwed shut and Vince froze, waiting to be shoved off or shouted at. But nothing happened, so he carefully leant down and kissed Howard softly. 

 

"It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you." 

 

Howard opened his eyes and Vince felt words well up in his chest. But he couldn't speak. So he kissed him again and started to move his hand. He used slow strokes, trying to get used to the feeling of Howard in his hand. It had been a long time since he'd done this, but he knew what he liked, so he tried changing the angle and twisting slightly at the head. It didn't take long for Howard to start squirming under him, his breath coming out in little pants. He stopped moving, not wanting the moment to be over too soon. 

 

Instead he kissed a path down Howard's chest. He was always surprised at how little hair Howard had on his body. His skin was smooth and soft. He took his time as he worked his way down, pausing at Howard's belly until Howard squirmed like he was trying to get away. He stopped and looked up to find Howard staring down at him looking a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable. Howard had always hated his body. Vince couldn't understand what was stopping him from just being pleased he was tall, dark and handsome. But apparently that wasn't what Howard saw when he looked in the mirror. 

 

Now wasn't the time to argue about it and Vince intended to spend a great deal more time in the future exploring every inch of Howard. For now, he just moved on to place a kiss on his hipbone. He flicked his eyes up to Howard before nipping at the skin gently. Howard gasped in what he hoped was pleasure.

 

When he took the tip of his cock into his mouth Howard gasped and struggled into a half sitting position. Vince opened his eyes to look up at him. He waited until their eyes locked before he closed them again and took more into his mouth. Howard lay back down with a groan. He tried to relax, but it felt like his whole body was alive with electricity. He’d barely allowed himself to imagine this moment. Even when he was getting himself off, the thoughts had been fuzzy and vague. He’d tended to gloss over these moments and get straight to the bumming anyway, imaging Howard finally giving in and just bending him over and taking him. He moaned at the thought which made Howard hiss and start to squirm. He pulled off, pausing to lick Howard’s tip gently before moving back up his body. He wanted to give Howard a moment to calm down before he carried on. They kissed for a few moments, Howard panting into his mouth. “You okay?” Vince asked softly.

 

Howard just nodded, looking a bit stunned, which Vince took as a compliment. He had to kiss him firmly again and he ended up getting a bit distracted. It was so good to be pressed against Howard, to be able to rub his erection against his friend's, that he didn’t want to stop. But that wasn’t how he wanted Howard to remember the night. So, he gave him a final peck on his nose and slid back down his body. He seemed more prepared when Vince took him back into his mouth, but he still groaned when Vince sucked him as far in as possible. It didn’t take long before he was squirming and tugging at his hair.

 

“Vince,” he said, his voice rough and breathless. The sound when straight to his own dick and he couldn’t help but reach between his legs to touch himself, desperate for some friction. It made him moan which made Howard tense. “Vince,” he hissed again before he was coming into his mouth.

 

The sensation was weird. He’d never done it to completion before; he’d always finished his partners off with his hand. It wasn’t as gross as he thought it might be. He swallowed quickly, trying not to think too much. Then he crawled back up Howard’s body where he was pulled into a fierce kiss. He was surprised but pleased when Howard licked his way into his mouth so they could have a proper snog. They carried on for a few minutes, before he felt Howard’s hand snake between then and start to stroke him.

 

“You don’t have to do anything,” Vince said, meaning it, but he couldn’t quite help the hitch in his breathing as he said it. Howard’s big hand was stroking him firmly and he’d always had a thing for his hands. He’d find himself distracted by them when they were playing in the band together. Once or twice he’d missed his cue and had to style it out.

 

Howard looked a bit affronted. “Howard Moon is a gentleman, everyone should leave satisfied,” he said, even though Vince could see how nervous he was.

 

He kissed him again and tried to concentrate on the feeling of Howard’s hand. He was a bit surprised when he was pushed onto his back and Howard was suddenly gone. He only had enough time to blink and open his mouth to ask what was happening before Howard wrapped his lips around the tip of his cock. “Fuck!” he muttered, slamming his head back onto the pillow.

 

Of course, Howard immediately stopped and looked up at him, his eyes wide. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

 

Vince struggled to form words and shook his head. “No, that was…” he tried and shook his head again. “That was good.”

 

Howard looked a bit unsure but soon ducked his head again. He started off a bit hesitant, exploring the tip but before long he was working his way down the length. When Vince felt himself hit the back of Howard's throat he had to screw his eyes shut and grip the sheets. He wasn’t going to last long, but he supposed that was to be expected. He forced his hips not to thrust up into the heat of Howard’s mouth. He could hear himself moaning like a porn star. It seemed to encourage Howard, because his hand came up to grip the rest of his cock and he was lost. He threw his head back and groaned. “Howard,” he moaned, trying to warn him. “I’m close.” He gasped as Howard just sucked him harder. “So close.” Then he was falling over the edge of a cliff. Everything went white as wave a pleasure rolled through his whole body, making his head tingle and his toes curl.

 

By the time he managed to open his eyes Howard was looming over him, looking a bit worried. “Was that-?” Vince didn’t let him finish, he didn’t think he’d be able to form the words anyway. Instead he kissed him hard and pulled him on top of him. He was a bit heavy, but he didn’t care.

 

Howard quickly manoeuvred them so Vince was on top, which was nice, but he missed the weight of Howard. It had made him feel safe and cared for. He shifted so he could lie down next to him, his head pillowed on Howard’s chest. 

 

He felt wrung out and exhausted. They should probably talk, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open. It didn’t help that Howard was holding him close and stroking his hair gently. It was how he’d dreamed of falling asleep since he was teenager. It was all a bit much and might have short-circuited something in his head. He let his eyes drop shut, promising himself that he wouldn’t sleep for long. He knew Howard would find a way to make all this go away, if left to his own devices. He couldn’t cope if that happened. He’d wake up first and get ready. He just needed to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

 

Howard was sitting in the dark of the kitchen. He hadn't meant to. He'd just come out to get a glass of water and didn't want to disturb anyone by turning on the light. The glass was now sitting in front of him untouched as he tried to work through the last few hours. 

 

It had been amazing. The best night of his life. He should be happy. 

 

A strangled gasp from the other side of the room made him jump. "Fuck, Howard," Jake hissed, "you nearly gave me a heart attack." 

 

"Sorry," he said, but made no move to stand. "What are you doing up?"

 

Jake took his time to stagger over and sit down at the table with him. "I was throwing up in the bathroom and then I fell asleep... I was just on my way to bed." 

 

"Are you alright?" Howard said, feeling guilty for leaving his friend when he was ill. "Shall I make you some tea?" 

 

Jake waved him off. "It's my fault for drinking so much. I feel alright now. What are you still doing up?" 

 

"I was just getting some water." He gestured vaguely. 

 

"How'd it go with Vince?" Jake asked. It was too dark to make out his expression which somehow made it easier for Howard to answer. 

 

"I told him and he kissed me and then we..." He could feel himself blushing and he stopped talking. He didn't want to share the details. It seemed too precious and he wanted to hold it close to himself. 

 

"Howard!" Jake squeaked and leapt from his seat. He was pulled into a slightly awkward hug that he didn't know how to return. "That's amazing. I'm so pleased for you! Wait," he said, when Howard continued not to respond. "Are we not happy about this? Isn't this what we were going for?" 

 

Howard shrugged. "Of course. But I don't... I just thought I'd feel... happier?" It couldn't be normal to feel like this after everything he'd been hoping for had come true. Vince wanted to be with him. Despite everything, he had accepted Howard with an enthusiasm that he thought his younger friend might have lost. 

 

"How do you feel?" Jake said. Howard was grateful for the lack of judgement in his voice.

 

"I don't know..." That wasn't entirely true. He was feeling a lot of things. Joy. Confusion. Gratitude. And terror. He didn't think he'd ever been so scared in his life. "Like it all might go away." 

 

"Oh Howard," Jake said. "Tonight has been a huge deal. You've been incredibly brave, but it doesn't end there. You guys have got so much to work out. It's going to be scary. But, you shouldn't be out here hiding in the dark." 

 

Howard scowled and wanted to point out that he didn't hide but Jake cut him off. 

 

"You've spent enough time in the closest to know that the darkness doesn't make you happy," he said, his voice gently teasing rather than stern. "Go back to his room and talk to him. What if he wakes up and you're gone?" 

 

He hadn't thought about that. He got to his feet, feeling panicked. 

 

"That's a good boy," Jake said, getting to his feet. "Now, I might just head back to the bathroom to throw up some more. See you in the morning." 

 

Howard hesitated for a moment before picking up his glass of water. "Drink this," he said, pressing it into Jake's hand. 

 

"You're an angel," Jake said and shuffled away. 

 

Howard walked as quickly as he could, without running, back to Vince's bedroom. The bundle of duvet in the centre of the bed stirred when he opened the door. "'odward?" it muttered. 

 

He smiled and climbed onto the bed. "Yeah," he whispered, "it's me." 

 

There was much manoeuvring and untangling of sheets before Vince managed to drape himself over Howard and wrap them together. "Where'd you go?" he asked, his voice small and uncertain. 

 

Howard felt a stab of guilt. "Just to get water. Sorry to wake you." 

 

"It's okay," Vince whispered back. "Are you alright?" 

 

It was such a sweet and genuine question that he felt a bit sick. "I'm fine," he said, his voice sounding hoarse in the quiet of the room. 

 

"You don't... Was it all... okay?" Vince had burrowed his face into Howard's chest so he couldn't see his expression. But he could feel how tense he was. 

 

"It was amazing," he said honestly. "Perfect." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "But it doesn't have to happen again." He felt better for saying it. It had to be said, he couldn't keep Vince trapped with him just because Howard had decided to lay out all his feelings. Vince was too good. Too kind and easy to manipulate. Howard had always sworn he wouldn't do that. Just because he knew he'd never be happy with anyone else didn't mean the same was true for Vince and he deserved move. 

 

Vince went completely still before violently pushing himself into a sitting position. "What?" he said. "Are you chucking me?" His eyes were wide but hard to read without the lights on. 

 

"No!" he said hurriedly, sitting up too. "But, you don't have to be with me, Vince. You deserve to be happy and I know that I'm difficult and you don't enjoy being with me all the time." 

 

Vince's face seemed frozen, his jaw tight and angry looking. "What do you want, Howard?" he asked, his voice cool. 

 

"I..." His throat seemed to close as his heart began to pound. He couldn't get the words out. He could see it all, Vince, slipping away from him and it was terrifying. Even though he knew it was probably for the best. But he was also selfish and that won out in the end. "You," he managed to choke out just at the last moment. 

 

Vince stilled from where was struggling to get out of bed. "Me?" he asked. 

 

He nodded, looking at his hands. "I've always wanted you. But... It's not fair of me to keep you. You deserve so much more." 

 

"Stop it!" Vince shouted. 

 

He slumped back into the bed. Being shouted at was easier. He was used to that. 

 

Vince looked stricken. "I don't deserve more. I've been waiting for this for years!" 

 

"I know you feel like that, but that's just because you were so young when we met,” he tried to explain, gently, “You didn't know any better, and I've trapped you here. I just want you to be happy and that means being with someone else." He didn't understand how Vince couldn't see that. 

 

He knew Vince might have had a crush on him when they were younger. But that was just because he was going through such a hard time when they met. He would have latched onto anyone that showed him any kindness. He felt grateful to Howard for being there for him after his dad had died and that had somehow morphed into him feeling like he had to stay with Howard even when it made him miserable. But he'd been leeching of Vince's good nature for years. It needed to stop. 

 

"What are you on about?" Vince said. "I don't understand what you're saying. I just want us to be together." 

 

"You wanted that when you were young but you don't want it now," Howard said. He felt sick that he'd let it get this far. He'd taken advantage of Vince enough. 

 

"You're not making any sense," Vince said. He sounded upset, his voice starting to wobble. "I thought you loved me. You said you did." 

 

"I do!" Howard shouted. "Of course I do," he repeated more gently.

 

"Then what's the problem?" Vince asked. "Am I not good enough for you now that you're a proper actor? Am I going to embarrass you on set or something?"

 

"What?" Howard asked, completely perplexed. "No, that's not ..."

 

The conversation was getting off track. He had to get through to him. It was too important not to try. He took a deep breath. He could talk about his feelings. He could. Just this once. For Vince. "Vince, throughout everything that's happened tonight you've never said you love me now." He tried to keep his voice light and not let the crushing sadness envelop him. "You've always talked about it from the past, about how you've felt since you were young. But you've changed so much. You've grown up. You don't need me anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure you even like me. And that's..." he bit down the hitch in his breathing before he tried again. "That's okay. You can't force yourself to feel something that you don't anymore. You've done so much for me and I'll always be grateful. It's okay for you to leave. I'll be alright." 

 

Vince didn't move while Howard was speaking; it hardly looked like he was breathing. The silence went on for so long he felt compelled to fill it. "I think I've been trying to say that for years." He smiled ruefully. "That I love you and it's okay for you to leave."

 

It felt good to say it. It also made him want to go into a jazz trance and never, ever, come out of it. 

 

Vince still hadn't said anything after another few minutes of silence. He was starting to worry. Vince had never been this quiet for this long. What if he'd broken him? He reached out and touched his arm. Vince startled at the touch and looked down to where Howard's hand was resting against his skin.

 

"Are you okay?" he said when the silence continued to drag on. 

 

Vince pressed his lips together tightly before sighing. "I don't want to get this wrong," he said. "I ain't good with words like you." He fidgeted with his hair. "But, you've got it all wrong. You don't need me. I'm not as smart as you, or as interesting as you. You found the zoo and you started the band. You introduced me to Naboo and Bollo and even Leroy. You're the one that told me I could be famous and that I could wear makeup and it's okay to love weird music. I don't love you because you were nice to me when I were little. I love you because you made me. I don't know who I am without you. Apart from that maybe I hurt people without you there to tell me I shouldn't." 

 

"That's not true!" Howard said, feeling affronted that someone was being rude about Vince, even if it was him. 

 

"Tell that to the lead singer of The Black Tubes or your poor jazz record." Vince wasn't looking at him and it was making Howard's chest hurt. "I know I didn't tell you I loved you properly earlier but I tried to show you! I've always been trying to show you since we were little. You just didn't want to see it." 

 

Howard blinked, trying to look back over their relationship with a slightly different lens. He saw Vince coming to his rescue over and over. He saw him trying to help him get Mrs Gideon's attention and letting him play jazz even though he hated it. He saw him gently leading him out of the zoo and talking excitedly about all the things they could do now and how it had stopped him from falling into despair. "I'm sorry," he said. 

 

Vince shrugged. "It's alright." 

 

It wasn't. It would never be alright. "I've hurt you so much." 

 

"You didn't mean to," Vince said, as if that mattered. "And I hurt you too. If I'd have just said something..." He shrugged. "But I thought you knew." 

 

Howard shook his head. "What do you want, Vince?" he asked in the end. He wondered if he'd ever asked that before. He suspected that he'd never dared. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings. You're not going to lose me, I'll be here whatever. But I just... What do you want?" 

 

Vince looked desperately at him for a moment. It reminded him of how he'd look when Howard gave him test papers for exams. But the look hadn't made him give Vince the answers then, even though it broke his heart, and it wasn't going to now. He took a deep breath and waited. "I want..." Vince fidgeted, tugging at the sheets and messing his hair up before smoothing it back down. "I want you." He said in the end. "I want to be, like, boyfriends for something. I want it to be like we used to be. But, only, without you being mean for no reason and chasing after women that don't deserve you. I want to be in a band with you and hold your hand without you telling me to get off. I want to be able to kiss you and for you to tell me when I'm being too much. I just... I want you to tell me that you love me when I'm anxious. I want-" 

 

"I love you," Howard interrupted, keen to start following Vince's directions. "I can't promise to always do all of that." He knew he'd fail. He'd fail over and over and he'd hurt Vince in the process. But he could try not to. 

 

"But mostly," Vince said, looking a bit put out at the interruption, "I want you to tell me what you want. I'm scared I'm going to piss you off all the time." 

 

"I can..." Howard swallowed, not wanting to lie, "I can try." 

 

Vince let out a long breath. "I do love you, Howard." 

 

He went a bit limp at the words. He was so relieved and drained he actually felt a bit tearful. "Thank you," he whispered, hoping it conveyed how he felt even a little. 

 

Vince edged closer to him across the bed. "Can I kiss you?" he asked. 

 

Howard felt disgusting; he hadn't showered or cleaned his teeth and could feel the lingering effects of alcohol. He wanted to flinch back in case Vince noticed but he pushed it down. He needed to start listening to what Vince was asking for. "Yes," he said. 

 

He was enveloped in a bundle of limbs as Vince pressed their mouths together. It felt so good to be so close to him, to be able to wrap his arms around him and pull them flush against each other. Vince hummed into the kiss and Howard could feel him smiling. 

 

"Can I get you anything?" he asked when he pulled back. "Some water or tea? I could make breakfast." 

 

Vince giggled. "No way," he said. "I want to cuddle for at least an hour and then I want to give you another blow job. Then, maybe, we can eat some breakfast." 

 

Howard felt himself blush but he grinned anyway. "Okay," he said slowly. "We can do that." 

 

They lay back down and Vince settled with his head on Howard's chest. It was nice, it meant he could wrap his arms around him and gently stoke his hair. He looked down to see Vince smiling and pushing his head up into the strokes like a cat. He smiled. Maybe this could work. 

 

Maybe they could let themselves be happy. 

 

*** 

 

They walked Jake out to a waiting taxi the following afternoon. Howard let Vince hold his hand on the way downstairs. It made Vince a bit giddy and he kept laughing at everything.

 

"Vince been eating Bollo's brownies?" Bollo had grunted earlier after Vince had giggled at Howard's joke about jam for a bit too long. 

 

"No," Naboo had sighed. "They're just finally bumming and it's as disgusting as we feared." 

 

Bollo had wailed and Vince looked straight at Howard, horrified. Howard hated people talking about his feelings. True to form, he'd gone red and had frozen in place, his arm outstretched to place the jam on the table. But then, he'd very carefully let the jam go and puffed his chest out. "There is nothing disgusting about our relationship, thank you, sir." 

 

Vince had laughed again, so relieved he felt a bit light-headed. 

 

"But Vince a beautiful prince and Howard an ugly, old, ball bag," Bollo grunted, sounding dismayed. 

 

"Shut it, Bollo," Vince said. "That's my man and no one gets to talk about him like that apart from me." 

 

Howard had blushed again but looked a bit smug. 

 

"I think I'm going to be sick again," Jake said, cutting off any further discussion as he dashed away from the table. 

 

He was still a bit pale as he stood next to the taxi, butt he was smiling at them. Vince wanted to like him. He knew he was a big part of why Howard had finally been able to tell him how he felt. He was also nice, funny and he couldn’t hold his drink which made Vince feel better about being a lightweight himself. But he didn’t. He wanted him gone. He didn’t like the way he looked at Howard, or that Howard let him touch him. He hoped that when whatever between him and Howard grew, he’d be better able to cope with it. But, for now, he just wanted Howard all to himself.

 

“Bye guys,” Jake said, doing a little wave and grinning.

 

Howard dropped Vince’s hand to step forward and offer a handshake.

 

Jake rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Howard’s neck. Vince tried not to scowl when he Howard awkwardly patted him on the back. “Thank you,” he muttered.

 

“You’re welcome, you English weirdo,” he said as he stepped back and smiled. “I’m so happy for you guys, really.”

 

Vince bit his lip but he could still feel the dopey expression on his face. “Thanks for coming and helping Howard with everything,” he said, trying to be good. He didn’t really want Howard to lose his one non-creepy friend. He’d just be happier if it was more a pen-pal sort of friendship for a little while. “When you come back to stay,” he said, pushing the thoughts away, “I can introduce you to Leroy. He’s single and he likes films and that.”

 

Jake looked a little taken aback at the offer but he smiled warmly. “Thanks!” he said, stepping forward to give Vince a hug too. “Take care of him,” he whispered. “Don’t let him think he doesn’t deserve to be happy.”

 

Howard was looking worried when they pulled back. Vince felt a bit sad. Was it so obvious to everyone else what Howard’s problem was? He’d been so shocked by their conversation the previous night that he’d wondered if he’d ever be able to speak again. He’d known that Howard’s bluster was just that, but he’d had no idea how badly he’d misread Vince’s own feeling and their relationship. It made his head hurt to think about it. About all the wasted time and how much they’d managed to hurt each other over the years. The damage seemed huge and scary. He reached out and grabbed Howard’s hand tightly. He squeezed it and tried to convey how sorry he was and that he wasn’t going to let it happen again.

 

“Have a good flight,” he said, when he was sure his voice was working again.

 

“Let us know when you get there,” Howard said because he was a born worrier. “Don’t give your bag to anyone before you get to the airport.”

 

Vince and Jake both rolled their eyes. “Yes Dad,” Jake said, opening the taxi door and getting in. “Look after each other!”

 

They watched as he was driven away. “You should invite him back for Pride,” Vince said.

 

Howard looked at him with obvious surprise. “Really?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, I want someone who’s going to get more drunk than me. Plus, we can bring Leroy to look after him when we sneak off to have sex.”

 

Howard went red but he didn’t pull away or disagree. “If that’s what you want,” he said, sounding a bit confused but happy.

 

Vince tugged him back into the shop. “I do want that,” he said. “I can’t wait to start making us matching outfits! I’ve only got five months; I better get to work.”

 

“I am not wearing anything…” he trailed off looking sheepish.

 

He was tempted to tease him and pretend to be making him sparkly hot pants, but he didn’t want to put him off the idea entirely. “I’ll make you something out of all those cords that are worn through and I found a genius Hawaiian print. I’ll make mine out of the mirror ball suit. We’re going to look brilliant! I can’t wait for everyone to see us!”

 

He was already pulling out fabrics when he felt arms wrap around his waist. “I love you, Vince.”

 

It still made his insides go fizzy and he wanted to laugh. He settled for wriggling so they were facing each other. “I love you too, you ball bag,” he said and kissed him.

 

Bollo was making gagging noises behind them and Naboo was yelling about opening the shop. But they ignored them. It was perfect and Vince didn’t think he’d ever been happier. Pride was going to be awesome this year.

 

**THE END**


End file.
